What, me judgmental? No way!
I have always had a knack for seeing the value in every person, so doesn’t that let me off the hook? Besides, even when I form an opinion about someone, I usually don’t say it out loud.
Does this sound a little like you? Join me as we take an honest look at how easily judgment can creep into our thoughts.
I remember one particular moment that sticks in my mind like glue. I had loaded up the double stroller, diaper bag, and all three children for a day at the mall. We were headed to our favorite shoe store to buy some shiny new shoes.
I loved taking my obedient, well-behaved children out in public. They were a joy to be around.
I admit it: I was a prideful mom.
When we arrived at the shoe store, I was horrified by the behavior of one particular boy—and, if I’m being truthful, his mom.
He wouldn’t sit still. He climbed back and forth over the chairs, sending an array of items onto the floor. And she didn’t seem to care that he was so loud it was hard not to notice him. From his size, I guessed he was about seven.
Surely, at seven, he should be able to sit still like my three children.
Even the poor salesman appeared exasperated.
My mind went into overdrive. First came the questions:
- Why doesn’t she discipline him?
- Why does she allow this to go on?
- Isn’t she embarrassed?
- Doesn’t she care?
Then the judgments rolled in full force as I watched the scene before me.
What kind of parent allows her child to act this way in public?
She must be a bad mom!
What Does It Mean to Judge Another Person?
When we judge others, we often move beyond simply noticing a behavior and attach an evaluation to the person. We decide they are “right” or “wrong,” “good” or “bad,” based on what we see and our own experiences, expectations, and values.
We assume we understand more than we actually do. We forget that we haven’t walked in their shoes. Share on XOh, how I shudder at my thoughts now.
I had no idea what was going on in that mom’s life or in her precious child’s life. How I wish I could go back and offer a little understanding—or, at the very least, a smile that said:
It’s okay. This moment will pass. I can handle a little disruption. I’ve had plenty of my own.
Life is not always as it appears. We rarely know the full story of what another person is carrying.
Do You Think You Don’t Judge Others?
The truth is, we all make judgments, often without even realizing it. Sometimes they involve significant issues, but many times they are about the small stuff.
I challenge you to pay attention for the rest of the day and notice how often a judgment about another person slips through your mind.
Listen for thoughts like:
- Why on earth would she wear that outfit?
- Did you hear the way she talked to her husband?
- What’s with that hairstyle?
- You would think he could comb his hair.
- He’s always late!
Then notice the labels we attach to people: bad, good, ugly, beautiful, inappropriate, fat, skinny, stupid, or smart.
You may be surprised by how quickly these judgments surface.
And while you’re paying attention, notice how you speak to yourself, too. Sometimes the person we judge most harshly is the one staring back at us in the mirror.
For me, recognizing how judgmental my thoughts could be was an unexpected discovery—and one I wanted to change.
But Wait—Is It Never Okay to Judge?
Sometimes we need to evaluate a situation, recognize right from wrong, set boundaries, or make wise decisions. Scripture doesn’t ask us to abandon discernment.
But discernment and a judgmental attitude are not the same thing.
We can recognize that a behavior is harmful or wrong without assuming we know everything about the person, their circumstances, or their heart’s motives.
Jesus warned us about focusing on the faults of others while overlooking our own:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Matthew 7:1–2 NIV
And just a few verses later, He asks why we notice the speck in someone else’s eye while ignoring the plank in our own.
Perhaps that’s a good place to begin—not by pretending we never judge, but by noticing when we do and asking God to help us respond differently.
It isn’t about ignoring what is wrong. It’s about approaching others with humility, remembering that we rarely know their whole story. Share on XSo, take a little time this week to notice your judgments. You might be surprised by how often they appear. I know I was.
When have you realized that you judged someone without knowing their whole story? What did the experience teach you?
Times when I know I have judged others … too many to list, for sure! Our prideful hearts are so quick to judge, at least mine is. It’s an area I always seem to be working on. Thanks for the reminder.
Donna – Me too! Caught me today doing it. Thank goodness God has grace for us. Maree
I can fall into judgment far faster than I care to admit! This post really spoke to me! Thank you for this and for linking up @worthbeyondrubies
Right – It is so easy to fall into the trap of judging. Thank you for commenting. Maree
This is a tricky subject for me. People have asked me for my advice or opinion, and when I didn’t say what they wanted to hear, I was accused of judging. Someone I know was dating a man who already had a long-term girlfriend, and she waited as he kept promising to leave the other woman for good. It was not a situation where I could easily put on a smile and only say nice things. A couple of my in-laws have also made multiple bad decisions that have now messed up their children’s lives. It can be tough to withhold judgement because, maybe some people should have been given more blunt opinions and “tough love” when necessary…instead of everyone politely going with the flow.
Robin, I agree it is a tricky subject. At times in life, we will be called to judge if something is right or wrong. I am such a rule follower that it gets very complicated. However, I do know when I judge it complicates my relationships and is usually problematic. I try to judge the behavior and not the person. I do find if I can choose the right language it helps too. I try to describe what I see instead of attaching a judgment. I will always be a work in progress in this area.
Thanks for stopping by. Maree
I seriously can’t believe how much this post spoke to me. I would consider myself to be a non judgmental person, but I violated so many things that you listed here. I don’t want to be judgmental, I want to be like Jesus. Thank you for helping me to see the error of my ways and for giving me hope that it doesn’t have to be this way.
I was your neighbor over at coffee for your heart!
Blessings,
Tiffiney
WelcomeHomeMinistry.com
Tiffiney, You are not alone. I always considered myself to be a non-judgmental person until I took a class and was forced to take a look at judging. Not only was I judgmental, but it also got in the way of my relationships. Good news is just being aware can help.
Blessings,
Maree
This is such a constant challenge. I find all too often I’m mentally and verbally saying grace-less things… and then realize to late that I need grace extended by my Father every second, so who am I??? Lord, change my heart!
Thankful for this insightful reminder today, Maree!
Visiting from #TellHisStory
You are so welcome.Thank you for stopping by. Oh, how I need God’s grace every single day. Maree
I relate to this all too well. God has been showing me how judgemental my heart can be….and why. It is hard! Often I am looking for approval. When people do life the same way I do it shows me that I’m ok…I’m right….I’ve got this. So often the judgement says more about me than about anyone else. So grateful you shared your story today!
You are so right, “sometimes the judgment says a lot more about me than the other person.” This was a startling thing to learn as I studied judgments, yet so true.
Ok, so I clicked over here and read this, knowing I was going to be convicted. I tend to give friends the benefit of the doubt, but not strangers. I especially fall into judging other drivers who make mistakes in their driving. I often assume that they are rude and doing it on purpose. I recently read someone else’s blog post who suggested that we tell ourselves that they are doing their best. I practiced that for a few days, and already need this reminder. So, thank you. I hope to make this a new habit.
Driving now that is a huge one. I remember one time being judged harshly for a mistake I had made. It devastated me. I had pulled into pick up dry cleaning and parked our huge suburban in one of the many spots available. I didn’t realize it was a compact spot, they all looked the same. A lady followed me into the cleaners and screamed at me for parking there. Little did she know I am one of the biggest rule followers and never would have parked in that particular spot had I realized it. A kind correction would have been well received instead of lashing.
Yes, I agree if we live by the motto that everyone is trying the best they can, life become more peaceful and joyful.
Hope you have a great weekend,
Blessings,
Maree
I know, I’ve been accused, jokingly, of being a rule follower before too! In the maternity ward at a hospital! I mean, why do they make those rules if it isn’t to be followed? My rule-following brain can’t quite wrap around that one.
But, yes, we want to be shown mercy and grace when we make mistakes, so we should offer the same to others when they make mistakes. I’m sorry you had to go through that devastating experience. But thank you for sharing it, as it is a good example of how we should treat others like we want to be treated and not in a way that we would NOT want to be treated.
I totally agree if the rules were made we better follow them. Funny thing is my husband is the opposite. Thank goodness I have relaxed a bit with the rules.
Maree
Yikes, guilty here! I’d be scared to tally it up during the day. Thank you for this post and I think I will try and be more intentional about this from now on. #ChasingCommunity
Julie,
Me too! When you start paying attention to judgments, it is a little shocking. I find being aware helps tremendously. Blessings, Maree
when my kids are out of order in a store, i block everyone out. i just focus on finishing up what i’m doing, and get out of there fast! on those occasions when my kids display exceptional behavior (eh, er, um) in a store and i come across a mom who is struggling, i intentionally (but casually) go by her, and say, “hang in there, mama. you’ll make it!” we usually end up giggling and proceed with our business.
kindness and understanding go a long way (smile).
Dori,
I love that your comment to the struggling mama. I bet it does lead to a few giggles and I bet you go home feeling lighter as if you speak a little kindness into the world. I hope you are the one I run into when I am struggling in the store.
Maree
That Anne Lamott quote really made me pause, Maree Dee. Kindness vs Righteousness. When our own righteousness is dependent upon His we have no other recourse but to be kind, do we?
And yes, the attitude of judgement. oh, my.
I think those of us who have been on the other side of unfair words and unnecessary criticism can see it for what it is, but also have the dangerous position of being judgmental when the very ones who have cast judgment see it as it is. That is one place the Lord has really convicted me. I want to be proud and sometimes even unloving because my heart has not let go of the hurt that was inflicted. And then grace sort of unties the laces of my heart and reminds me that I am called to better and more and to love…. And sometimes I get frustrated at that little voice that reminds me of the way it felt.
But when we let grace win, it makes all the difference. It heals the scarred spaces were judgment cut us deep and it makes the connection actually mean more because a sacrifice was given. Hmm… that is making me think more.
I appreciate this post!
Blessings!
Dawn
Dawn,
Thank you for your wise words to ponder. I too want to be unloving sometimes because I have not let go of the hurt. I can think of one particular relationship I am doing that in right now. Hmmm, time to “let grace win.” I like that. Thank you for adding to the discussion with some more things to think about.
Blessings,
Maree
I think you’re right that we judge a lot more than we think we do. I’m going to be thinking about this today and doing my own tally. What a great way to evaluate how we’re doing in this area. I think the words “judgmental attitude” distinguish the difference between loving correction and having an attitude that’s overall judgmental. Great post!
Valerie,
I know for me just being aware of my attitude helps tremendously.
Yes, kind of scary to tally it up.
Blessings,
Maree
Great post, Maree! What I’d like to add is that I find when I get into that judgmental mode, it just makes matters worse and sends me and the entire situation into a downward spiral. However, if/when I stop myself and use “benign interpretation” instead, I feel better and handle the situation and/or the
person in a more loving, understanding way which results in a win-win!
Bette, That is so true it is like a spiral. I agree using “benign interpretation” really helps me to feel better too. Maree
It’s so easy to look from the outside and forget that everyone has a story. We just never know what’s going on in others’ lives, do we? How I pray for a soft heart toward others. We have so much else going on in our worlds, we need grace from one another, not criticism. Love that quote you shared from Anne Lamott (wrote it down!) Such a good word today, Maree, thanks for the reminder that kindness is always better than judgment. Thank you for sharing your heart with #ChasingCommunity. ((Hug))
Brenda – So true about looking from the outside. I plan to share a little story next week where things got reversed, and I was the one judged by how things looked not as they really were. I needed grace. Maree
So I think you did a good job of attempting to break this down this touchy topic. We all judge. As christians we’re supposed to judge. But it’s what we do with that judgement that may get us into trouble. Its also using that judgement as a source of pride that harms. Empathy maybe the antidote for negative judgement.
Stopping by from #ChasingCommunity
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It was not an easy topic. I totally agree with your wise word. Yes, empathy is what is best. Maree
I agree, Maree, that sometimes it’s necessary to judge in discernment, but that it’s the attitude of judgement that gets us into trouble. Very well, and wisely, put.
Happy Thursday!
Megs
Megs – I started with judging is awful but then realized of course we have to judge at times. I think where we get in the most trouble is when we add evaluation to the person. If anything, judge the behavior, not the person. Maree