Do you ever wonder if God chose the wrong mom for your children? Have you had that aching feeling inside that just maybe someone else could do a better job? I have to confess, many times during my journey of being a parent I have let those feelings and thoughts permeate my mind. I had wondered why on earth God would designate me when failure seemed to be written all over my parenting style. After all, this was the one title I dreamed of having from a young age.
More than anything else in life, I wanted to be a mama. As a small child, I tucked my baby dolls in and knew one day I would trade the precious toys for the real thing. As I grew my thoughts shifted not just to becoming a mother but also to become the best one ever created. Yes, I was a bit idealistic and unrealistic.
I have an amazing mom myself, but I had plans to surpass even her.
I set my sights on becoming a “Spectacular Mother” – the off the charts kind of one.
So this is where my mind was when I took my precious first-born baby home from the hospital. I loved and cuddled on her. I rocked and soothed her. It was magical.
And then it happened… she started in with inconsolable crying. Not just a little whine but a sound I had no idea could come from a precious baby. Noise, which would not stop! No matter what I did, she screamed at the top her little lungs for hours at a time. The more I tried to be that perfect mommy the more I felt like a failure.
This time marked the beginning of wondering, had God gotten it wrong? Maybe I was not the right kind of parent for my child.
As time went on, I could easily set aside those thoughts because I loved motherhood so much it didn’t matter if I was the right one. I was busy enjoying the blessings God had given me through three beautiful kids. Being a parent was everything and more than what I dreamed it would be.
We breezed through pre-school and elementary. BUT then we hit the teenage years, and mental health challenges began to show in a few of my blessings. The old feelings of had God gotten it wrong crept up with a vengeance.
I had no skill set for an illness like this.
NOW I knew GOD had gotten it wrong. I was not the right person, and my heart ached.
Failure loomed in my heart as if I had somehow failed my children. I had missed the signs, not sought out the help they needed early enough and now they were paying the price for my failures. It hurt to watch them suffer, and I felt so responsible for their pain.
I thought to myself, “If only God had picked someone else, they would have done a better job, and my children would not be suffering.”
I had no skill set to understand how to help. At first, everything I did was wrong. Oh, the mistakes I had made.
It haunted me that I could not kiss their pain away like when they were small.
I wallowed for a bit in my failure, guilt, and mistakes until I realized it was serving no purpose.
I cried out to God, and this is what I heard…
“You are the mother I chose, and I do not make mistakes.”
“Quit your wallowing and get busy becoming who your offspring need.”
“I will equip you, but you must do your part.”
So I stepped into the trenches with mental illness and motherhood. I stepped in with all my faults, mistakes and misgivings. I have worked hard to educate myself and learn new skills to be the mom God created me to be. The one he chose for my amazing kids, each and every one of them.
Oh, of course, I make mistakes and come up short over and over again. I am not perfect nor are my kids, but God knew what he was doing when he knit us together long before any of us were born.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
Psalm 139: 15-16
Maybe your doubt has nothing to do with motherhood or caring for someone with an illness. We all find ourselves from time to time wondering if there isn’t a better person for the job than us.
When this happens we have a few choices; we can wallow in our questioning or move forward with confidence that GOD will equip us.
He knew long ago you would be exactly where you are. You are that perfect person for your circumstances.
If it is motherhood – Embrace it – God chose you and trusted you to be your child’s mom. God did not choose the wrong Mother.