What do you think, should couples discuss depression in marriage? If you or your spouse have depression do you openly discuss it together? Whatever you do read this post, it might change your mind on the importance of becoming a team in whatever struggles you might have. As I always say,
We were never meant to do life alone.
Today we have an inspiring post from Carmen Brown. She has graciously shared her heart on the topic of depression in marriage. Her willingness to be vulnerable and let us see a glimpse of her journey is extraordinary. My hope is her post will bless and encourages you as much as it has me. Please welcome our guest today, Carmen, who writes at Married by His Grace.
Should We Discuss Depression in Marriage?
Guest Post by Carmen Brown
Before meeting my husband I had just came to a place where I was independent for the first time in my life. Meaning I was not living at home with my parents nor was I dating or even considering too. I had set a priority to deal with my issues in self-reflection.
Don’t get me wrong…. To one day be married again was definitely something I wanted and desired to the deepest of my soul. But at this particular time in my life, becoming whole was needed.
I was still healing from a marriage that had dissolved just a few years before. Unfortunately, the marriage ended with the result of undeniable adultery as a child was conceived. However, truth be told, the marriage was already broken in many ways. Before the positive test that he was yet to be a father again, there was also heartache of addiction and repetitive emotional abuse.
A year before the marriage indefinitely ended, I gave my life to Christ. I was and still am radically, utterly in love with Christ and with all that He has done for me.
Some of my friends who did not know God questioned me often about my love for the Lord. They wanted to know how I could love God so much if my marriage that I wanted Him to restore had ended?
I always responded with the truth:
“Because my love for God is not what He can do for me but what He is capable of doing in me.”
After the divorce was finalized, I made a commitment to healing and to completely surrender myself to God. I was broken, in pain, enduring through heartbreak, low self-esteem, unforgiveness, and rejection, as a single mother of two.
At the time, there wasn’t much I was confident about. But one thing I knew for sure was that I was not going to date until I was fully healed. I did not want to take into a relationship my hurts and unforgiveness. I especially did not want to miss out on an opportunity to learn who I was in Christ.
Throughout the three years of healing, I learned, the depression I had during my marriage could no longer be the facade of the reason for my depression.
Depression started at a young age, in the early teenage years, which I eventually turned into blaming my marriage for the exposure of it. However, now I had no man or marriage conflict to blame. So, what was I to do now?
Each morning I opened my eyes I had a decision to make. Was I going to be victorious with and for myself today through the strength of God or was I going to allow a black hole to look comforting to me that day?
Something that I was able to blame a situation for was finally showing the light. It was not the situation, but it was me suffering from a sickness that needed attention.
I had to accept this was my cross to carry, now was I was going to die to it. Was I going to allow God to renew me?
To anyone that has experienced, battled, or has lived a life with loved ones that has experienced it, we know that depression is something we have to maintain daily to gain a healthy minded life. Each day is a new day for us to seek God, ask for His strength, and for our spiritual discernment to be heightened to a new level. We must take captive immediately any thoughts or emotions which are not of Him.
Any thought, action, or emotion that does not represent Christ, I do not want for myself, for my walk with Him, for my husband, or for my children.
I had to learn to accept the fact depression is real. And becoming vocal about it would take me to a road of healing in the right way. I saw how much it affected me alone as a person throughout the years. The last thing I wanted was it to affect my marriage and my family’s well being.
When Anthony and I married, we did not discuss the degree of depression I had experienced. I was feeling good about how well I had been overcoming my depression.
Weeks before the wedding, a time which should have been the happiest time of my life, I became overwhelmed.
I was marrying for the second time and had just stopped working days before my wedding to be home for the first time. Literally days before the wedding I received a phone call with results of positive testing for cancer cells. The overwhelming experience easily turned to a depressive state for me.
My soon to be husband did not know how to respond to my reaction. It became hard for both of us. I was ashamed to tell him about my battle with depression. As the wedding day came, it was easier to move past and enjoy the moments of becoming one.
Becoming one is blissful, exciting, and a blessing. It is a communion that God made for us. Becoming one with a spouse is the most intimate relationship you will experience on earth.
But this means taking every single part of each other. I was no longer carrying the depression alone. Without preparation, my husband was now bearing an emotion that he had no awareness about.
My, “No, I don’t want to leave the house” turned into to rejection of him. Or, “Just leave me alone,” turned to loneliness in the marriage.
It wasn’t until one day by the leading of God, my husband sat down with me and said we need to talk about my emotions. He expressed his feelings about my well being and how it would confuse and hurt him.
By the grace of God, He put an unction in a man’s heart to sit and listen. I confessed my battle with depression. How sometimes I even stubbornly do my best to push God away (but heads up…God doesn’t go away). I explained it was not him as a husband, but it was a battlefield in the mind.
Our marriage has grown and matured from us communicating. I am no longer alone in this. I have a spouse that often prays for me. A husband who allows me to cry. He encourages me and most importantly, listens to the voice of God. Whether God tells him, “she needs to get through this alone, or it’s time to talk some sense into her.” It has brought us together with the word of God.
We often find ourselves doing bible studies together about the mind, characteristics of Jesus Christ, and how our soul longs to be more intimate with Him. When we do this, we put a foothold on the plans of the enemy to disrupt our marriages. We let the enemy know no secrets are within our relationship, but we are rising together for each other.
No person in a marriage is perfect, but the will of God is perfect.
When we allow God to move in our marriages, we truly begin to understand how no weakness or strength is greater than the other. We perfectly fit together. When I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. When my husband is weak, I am there being strong.
My husband doesn’t point out my depression as a flaw in our marriage, nor should he. He uses his strengths to help me through my weaknesses.
But none of this could have happened without discussing depression and by agreeing to pray together.
Now, if I may be experiencing symptoms of depression, my husband can recognize it. Instead of getting frustrated with the unknown he will sit next to me without a word and hold me. Sometimes I can even hear him praying. I can feel his heart racing as he wars for his wife.
Do not miss these moments by not speaking about the reality of depression in your marriage. Be fair to the spouse God has given to you. Let your loved one, the one God has blessed you with, an opportunity to be strong in areas you may need. Marriage is not a self-help or self-seeking union. It is a communion made by God for us to take one another to deep intimacy. Even man cannot explain the detail of it all. Only God can direct us in the way of how to rise in victory for our spouse.
Seek God in prayer. Ask Him to prepare you and your spouse’s hearts for the discussion.
Ask God whether it should be alone or with a marriage counselor.
Begin praying and fasting with your spouse. Ask God to give you both wisdom in this area. That no weakness will be used as a target against each other but that the Lord will teach you how to grow in this area as a couple.
Pray for compassion for one another, understanding, and insight into the situation. Ask the Lord to bring great healing, a revelation to the needs of your spouse and how you can become a helpmate to them.
After an agreed time of fasting and prayer be ready to let God move so great that you both will never be the same as a married couple. It is not to make us perfect in each other’s eyes but to see each other through Jesus’s eyes.
Disclaimer: I share this post as my own experience and decisions of how to cope with long-term depression. I am not in any form suggesting how to cope or heal from depression. If you are experiencing depression symptoms, it is always best to seek professional help and counsel. As a believer in Christ, my non-professional suggestion is to seek God and professional help together.
Carmen Brown is the creator of Married by His Grace blog. Through her walk with Christ as a wife and mom of five, she actively writes to women who are desiring to build their home with the word of God. Her passions involve staying connected with her family, drinking an immense amount of coffee daily, and developing content that will help and encourage new Christian Bloggers. You can connect with Carmen on her blog, Instagram, and Pinterest.
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Thank You for sharing your story. I truly believe it is important to talk about mental health issues. As the daughter of a woman who has lived most of my life with a mental illness, I have learned the importance of talking about it with us. Blessings to you. Blessed to be your neighbor over at Coffee for your Heart this morning.
Tara,
I too am so thankful Carmen shared her story on my website. We do need to talk about mental health issues. My hope is the more we talk; the fewer people will feel the need to hide from it. Thank you for being a voice. Maree
As one who has a long history of depression, anxiety and PTSD, I agree with what you wrote. Marriage is aout communication, communication takes trust. Praise God that you have found you can trust your husband with your heart and emotions. We are blessed to have such men of God! Praising God for our husbands and your post!
It sounds like you too have a husband you can trust with your heart. Praising God with you! Maree
Thank you for sharing your heart, Carmen. It’s amazing how God’s timing is so perfect and he brings the right people into our lives at the right time to point us back to the Cross – and even more wonderful when it is our hubbies who do that. Thanks for sharing on Grace & Truth.
Hi Aimee – I hope your summer is going well. I am glad you stopped by to read Carmen’s post. Maree
Thank you, Carmen and Maree for sharing this. It is so hard for a spouse to know how to help or what to do when their spouse suffers with depression. Mine depression has typically shown itself in anxiety – and with Rev’s help, I’ve learned to tell him quickly when I’m having a bad day and he has learned to listen and love me rather than try to “fix” me. You have given a really important word here. Blessings!
Deb, Thank you for adding to the conversation. It is good to hear how people experience depression in a differently. Your comment made a light bulb go off. I had never thought of depression showing itself as anxiety. I often jump into “fix it mode, and you have reminded me that is not my job. Maree
Thanks for this. I’m right where you were. My husband doesn’t necessarily “believe” in depression, but he has noticed that my emotions are affecting our marriage. So maybe what we need is a good sit down to discuss them. I’m definitely going to be praying about this.
Heather, I am praying for your sit down and the heart of your husband. It is hard to understand if you don’t walk it. It took a family member being very sick with depression to open my eyes. I then jumped in with both feet and began to try and understand all I could. Many times it has helped me to hear it from someone else too. Thank you for sharing and hoping your husband will begin to understand and realize depression is real. Blessings, Maree
Carmen, it’s so encouraging to read your story and see the ways that God has sustained you through the difficult seasons of your life. Thank you for sharing so openly …
Lois, I too Was so encouraged by Carmen’s willingness to be vulnerable and share her story. Hoping this reaches many, so they realize they do not have to suffer alone. Maree
Thank you for baring your struggles with us . Depression is real; dear and near ones are all affected . As a family , spouse must be certainly involved in all aspects of our lives .
Carmen, I pray this post helps many of our sisters who many be struggling alone
Diana, I am right there with you hoping this helps many people who are struggling alone. I always say, “We were never meant to do life alone.” Maree