I am honored to welcome Dr. Michelle Bengtson back as our guest. She has a unique insight both as a professional and as someone who understands what it is like to want the pain to end.
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Will you join me in learning all we can to help prevent another suicide from happening?
God does not want anyone to choose suicide as an option to end their pain.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline or text the Crisis line.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 (24/7)
Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741 in the US.
Suicide: There’s Another Way
Guest Post by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Have you ever been so clouded in the darkness that there seemed to be no way out? Have you ever wondered if others would just be better off without you? Or maybe you just wanted the pain to end. I’ve been there. Even as a Christian board-certified clinical neuropsychologist treating patients with depression, I fell into the pit myself. But there is another way. Read my story below and be encouraged.
You are not alone!
Everywhere I looked, darkness engulfed me. Boulders took up residence at the pit of my stomach. My shoulders were weighed down by more than the bags I carried through the airport.
Returning home from a professional conference, I dragged my briefcase behind me as I made my way from the gate to baggage claim where my husband greeted me enthusiastically waiting to hear all about my trip. He swooped me up in a big hug, but upon setting me back down on solid ground, I could barely meet his eyes. Tears began to stream down my cheeks, leaving him speechless.
He loaded the trunk with my luggage and held my door while I climbed into the car.
As we drove toward home, I hugged the door and stared out the side window blankly. Not desiring any conversation, my answers to his inquiring questions were concise and pithy. It was warm outside, but my demeanor was as cold as ice, despite the fact that I burned with despair and hatred toward the enemy of my soul who had introduced depression into my family generations before.
As we got closer to home, I knew I couldn’t go there. Not like this. As hard as it was to form the words, I hurried to speak them before it was too late.
“You can’t take me home,” I whispered to my husband.
“What? Do you want to get something to eat?”
“I don’t want the boys to see me like this.”
The next two hours took my husband completely by surprise. We sat in our minivan in the middle of a grocery store parking lot, while I wept and he sat mostly in silence, praying.
His heart sank, and he went pale as he heard me share the unthinkable. Something I couldn’t even believe myself.
I couldn’t even recognize my own voice. My voice cracked as I shared in an almost inaudible whisper that sounded nothing like myself, “I understand why people commit suicide.”
I heard him swallow hard before answering with a stammer, “Are you thinking of committing suicide?”
I recognized the war—it was a battle, a spiritual battle. Entrenched in a war that had plagued my mother, and her sister, and their mother, now I wasn’t sure I was winning, but thinking of my young boys at home, I wasn’t going to give in or give up either!
I knew better than to vocalize my thoughts and give the enemy another open door to the playground of my mind; I mustered all the strength I could and pronounced, “I’m not going to put that out there. The enemy would love nothing more.”
I knew that if I gave the enemy an inch, his army would take a mile. He had already stolen too much from my family and me, and I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of stealing from my children.
On the one hand, I felt weak and powerless in my despair, and yet at the same time, I felt sorry for my husband. He didn’t deserve this, and he didn’t know what to do with the unthinkable information he’d just been given. After all, I was the doctor, the mental health practitioner; he wasn’t.
He looked terrified as he asked, “Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
I didn’t answer. What could I say? I knew all the “right” answers—taking me to a hospital would be fruitless.
The tension in our minivan was palpable, and my mind flashed to the many patients who had previously sat in my office sharing such despair.
My husband’s question broke my thoughts, “Honey, I don’t know what to do or say right now.”
“I don’t either.” The sad thing was, even as the professional, I really didn’t.
He wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t do anything to harm myself—that I would just “hang on.” I don’t make promises unless I know I can keep them. I wasn’t sure of anything at that moment, least of all that. And that scared me.
Never had I felt so alone. So afraid.
I didn’t really want to die. More than anything I wanted the pain to end.
That’s the case for most who consider suicide: they don’t really want to die, they just want to end the pain.
How had I gotten here? I had never experienced such severe thoughts before. They didn’t even sound like me.
But that’s just it. Those weren’t my thoughts. They were from the enemy of my soul who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). But Jesus came that we might have not just life, but abundant life.
Yet so many suffer. And to compound their pain, they feel shame because of their experience. According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people suffer from depression, and by 2020, depression is predicted to be our greatest epidemic worldwide.
Each year, almost 800,000 people worldwide kill themselves. More than 2,000 suicides occur daily, with one death approximately every 40 seconds. And for every successfully executed suicide, there are approximately 20 attempted but incomplete suicides.
As Ray Comfort discusses in his movie, “The Exit: The Appeal of Suicide,” nearly half a million Americans are taken to the hospital every year because of suicide attempts. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students. Twenty veterans commit suicide every day.
As a doctor who treats patients every day with depression, but who has gone through severe depression herself and come out on the other side, I want you to know that if you are in the valley of depression or struggling with suicidal thoughts, this isn’t all there is for you.
Jeremiah 29:11 gives us hope for better days ahead. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
If you are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to watch Ray Comfort’s new movie, “The Exit: The Appeal of Suicide.” I would also encourage you to read my own account of how I overcame depression in my award-winning book, “Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression” and the companion “Hope Prevails Bible Study.” To purchase “Hope Prevails,” click the picture.
You are not alone! There is help, there is hope, and there is healing!
Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
May I pray for you?
Father,
I lift up to you all who are in the valley of depression and despair. Father, you know their anguish and despair. You collect all their tears in a bottle. Father, would you please give the oil of gladness for their despair and turn their mourning into dancing. We know that the enemy seeks to steal our joy, kill our peace, and destroy our identity, but you came so that we could have abundant life. Be the lifter of their head right now, Lord. Draw them closer to you. You are their provider, their sustainer, their comforter. Guard their hearts and minds in you. In Jesus’s name, I pray, Amen.
This post – “Suicide: There’s Another Way” was shared with permission. It originally appeared on Dr. Michelle Bengston’s website.
Please meet our guest today –
Dr. Michelle Bengtson (Ph.D., Nova Southeastern University) is an international speaker, and the author of the bestselling, award-winning “Hope Prevails: Insights From A Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression” and the newly released companion “Hope Prevails Bible Study.” She has been a neuropsychologist for more than twenty years, and is now in private practice in Southlake, Texas where she evaluates, diagnoses, and treats children and adults with a variety of medical and mental health disorders. This doctor knows pain and despair firsthand and combines her professional expertise and personal experience with her faith to address her patients’ issues, both for those who suffer and the ones who care for them.
Using sound practical tools, she affirms worth and encourages faith. Dr. Bengtson offers hope as a key to unlock joy and relief—even in the middle of the storm. She and her husband of thirty years have two teenage sons and reside in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. She blogs regularly on her site: http://www.DrMichelleBengtson.com
For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Michelle Bengtson on Blog, Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Google, Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube.
How have you found hope when you wanted the pain to end?
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So glad you were able to share your thoughts with your husband. Be honest about where you were. Our enemy wants to keep silent and think no one will listen or understand. Suicide needs to spoken about. Your story can give others hope.
Theresa, I too love Michelle’s willingness to share with her husband and all of us. Thank you for stopping by to read her post. Maree
It’s so good for us to hear and hold each other’s stories so that we know better how to help or seek help. Thank you!
Anita – I am so glad you stopped by and read Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s post. Maree
What a riveting and inspiring story! Every life IS important to God. Thank you for the reminder.
Thank you for stopping by and reading. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Maree
Maree, thanks so much for opening up your space for such an important topic this month! I love Michelle and appreciate reading her story. I LOVED the book Hope Prevails, so good! In fact, I’m thinking I should read it again!
Betsy, Thank you for stopping by and adding a comment. I have not read her book yet but have it on order. I am so glad you endorsed it. I rarely promote a book if I haven’t read it. I know Michelle’s posts are always so full of Godly wisdom and help. Maree