Have you ever found yourself watching someone unable or unwilling to stand up and meet their challenges? You try everything to assist, but they refuse to reach up for what you have to offer. As the pain and frustration rise, you ponder giving up. After all, how do you help in the wait when your loved one won’t fight their battle?
Find out how to help in the wait when your loved one won’t fight their battle. #wait #help #waiting Click To TweetDetermined to Fight for a Child’s Future
My precious children have mental health challenges, and there was a time when it appeared as though my one child wouldn’t fight for survival. We tried all the usual ways, coaxing, love, rewards, praying for a miracle, kindness, and, as we became more desperate, a bit of tough love, yelling, and even verbal threats. Nothing worked.
My heart hurt, but I was not willing to consider giving up. As long as God gave me the strength to keep forward movement, I stayed determined. Amid the suffering, I hunkered down and began the long, cruel process of waiting for a sign my child was getting better.
When Left to Wait
Until then, I had kept busy researching the best treatment, new skills, and promising medicines. But now, I was at a standstill with nothing to do but wait.
Don’t you think it is easier when you are doing something to assist instead of idly waiting?
Waiting is hard! Sometimes, we don’t know what we anticipate. Yet, we desperately look for a flicker of hope, a sign of progress.
With mental illness, the dips are deep, and the waiting is long.
The Grief in the Wait
Have you ever noticed when life slows down, all that stuff you have pushed under the rug comes out to haunt you?
My losses had gone unrecognized, and now the grief was overwhelming. Since society rarely acknowledges this type of pain, I had to learn “How to Grieve Losses the World Doesn’t See.”
Why God?
Next, I began wrestling with God. Why God? Why my child? Please, let it be me, not a child of mine.
Although, at first, it may seem wrong to grapple with or question our Lord, it is through this struggle our faith will grow. Push the fear away and have those honest, raw conversations; God can handle it.
Through my bantering, crying, and struggle with God, my faith soared to levels I never knew possible. Trust in God was developed, doubts extinguished, and the knowledge that I would never be alone settled in my soul.
God is with us every inch of the way. We are never alone. #neveralone #waiting Click To TweetAre We Making Progress
But I needed a picture to gauge where we were on this journey. Was my loved one fighting for survival? Or was I the only one grasping for a better future? Then I remembered a wise woman who had shared the analogy of pulling a wagon.
What Does a Little Red Wagon Represent?
Will you close your eyes and imagine this scenario? Picture a child pulling his wagon toward all of their hopes and dreams. Suddenly, the child stops, drops the handle, and climbs up into the wagon to sit, refusing to get out and move forward. The child either can’t or is unwilling to pull it toward their hopes and dreams.
What are we to do? Have you ever had someone you care about refuse to continue moving forward?
How to Help in the Wait
We have a choice. We can pick up the handle and pull our loved ones or leave them to sit alone. If you have walked this path, you know it isn’t an easy decision.
Sometimes the answer might be to release our grip and see what they can do. However, the best choice is often to grab the handle and pull our loved ones along, regardless of how heavy the load is.
What We Convey When We Help
- Showing up is important
- Giving up is not an option
- We want a connection
- The cargo is important
- Together we will move forward
Usually, the progress is slow; after all, we pull the weight and move inch by inch.
Hope in the Wait
When we wait for someone to move forward on their own, the pace sometimes decreases to almost a halt. We need to hold tight to God’s hand during this slower speed and never lose hope believing that our loved ones will one day fight their own battle. We must have confidence that they will get out of the wagon, grab the handle, and continue toward their dreams.
Some days we may grow weary and even begin to roll backward. And other times, we need to cease our forward movement and pull our wagon to the side to a halt. Drop the handle, climb into the wagon, and sit alongside our precious cargo.
Maybe your loved one’s struggle isn’t a mental illness. Perhaps someone you care about won’t make healthy choices, and their physical well-being is in jeopardy. Or they are in a relationship that is destroying them. It is frustrating when someone you love won’t stand up and fight for their future, and we cannot sway them to keep trying.
Perhaps pulling the wagon isn’t possible in your situation or even advised. Although we must wait for those we care about to move, that doesn’t mean we are left to do nothing. Waiting doesn’t have to be passive.
Active Waiting
Pray While You Wait
Prayer is powerful; you will receive something even when you do not get your desired answer. For me, it was an undeniable strength from God, an intimate relationship with Him, and peace to carry me through all the bumps along the way.
Prayer Changes Your Heart. #waiting #heart #change Click To TweetEducate Yourself
Use the time in the wait to learn. We can actively prepare ourselves for the day our loved ones will get out of the wagon and begin to pull it themselves.
Self-Care
Remember to take good care of yourself along the way. The cart can get heavy, and we must rest along the way.
Spiritual Growth
Grow your faith by spending time with Jesus and in His word.
Learn Skills and Practice Them
Now is the time to refresh and learn new skills. The changes we make can make a difference in the lives of others. Learning to communicate effectively is vital.
Invest in a Support Community
There is nothing like being with people who understand what we are going through to some degree. It helps us to know we are not alone and that others share similar thoughts, feelings, and struggles. Plus, we gain wisdom from those before us, and sometimes what worked for them will work for us.
Reflect on Changes You Can Make
Now is an excellent time to look back at those challenging times and see if there is something you could have done differently to be more effective. Do you need to apologize? Were you too tired to engage in the conversation? Is there a skill that would have helped if you had used it?
Will God Heal?
We know God can heal. However, we don’t know if God will choose this path or how long we must wait for healing. While you wait, grab that wagon handle, if appropriate, and pull your loved one towards a future full of hopes and dreams. Be active in the wait through prayer, education, self-care, spiritual growth, and more. Most importantly, let the one you love know they are not alone, and you will help them by never giving up on hope.
Yes, they will still have to do the hard work. But maybe, like me, you will one day look over your shoulder and realize someone got out of the wagon.
Do you have someone in your life who is unwilling or unable to fight their own battle? I would love to be praying for you.
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness Community
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you. Click the graphic to discover what we have to offer.
Click here to discover four unique ways for caregivers to participate.
Waiting Series
Wow! This is one of the most helpful things I’ve read. You have an amazing gift, and I’m so thankful for you!
Oh, Louise, your words were what I needed today. Thank you. It has been a tough week, and I am glad my words were a blessing to you. Thank you for letting me know. Maree
Sounds like we’re all relating to the little red wagon analogy! I know I am. I’m currently waiting on someone that doesn’t appear to be trying to pull the wagon at all. I so appreciate your tips on how I can pull the wagon an inch at a time. Thanks, Maree!
Oh, Lisa, it can be so frustrating when they won’t pull the wagon. Hang in there; they are lucky to have you by their side. I am praying for you right now, and of course, for the person you care about.
Maree, waiting for someone to make movement to help them self and stop making bad choices is so hard. Love the wagon metaphor. It is hard when the person is an adult and destroying their lives and others. Wait, pray, love them, and meanwhile life goes on.
Theresa,
I agree it is so hard to watch people destroy their lives and others. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Blessings,
Maree
I love your candidacy here Maree. And that we can always be praying for our loved ones no matter the situation.
As many won’t allow us to pull their wagons & resent even the offer or attempt to do so.
But we can pray to our Heavenly Father for them & in that there is comfort! For He is working in the situation!
Waiting is very difficult but there is so much growth in the waiting!
Bless you,
Jennifer
Jennifer, I agree the growth in the waiting is excellent. I love that when we feel like there is nothing left to do, we can pray. Thank you for adding your thoughts. I always love to hear them. I hope you have a great weekend. Maree
‘With mental illness, the dips are deep and the waiting long.’
Yes, yes. Oh so true. I am so grateful that He never ever leaves our sides as we walk through the valley of the shadow.
thank you, Maree.
I am right there with you. I, too, am thankful God is with us every step of the way. Blessings, Maree
Thanks for sharing this. It’s hard to wait, and to know when to sit back and when to jump in.
Barbara, Yes, it is so hard to know when to jump in. If I quiet myself down enough, I hear God’s direction. But it’s hard to do. I hope you have a great weekend. Blessings, Maree
Maree, we need the wisdom of God to guide us in each and every step. When, like the father of the prodigal, do we pray and wait for our loved one to come to his senses; when do we snatch them out of the fire, and when do we patiently plod along beside them, or as in your analogy, pull the wagon inch by inch. Thanks for sharing your tender story.
Debbie, I agree it is God’s wisdom we need to hear. On our own, it is too hard to figure out. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I love your examples. Maree
waiting is probably the hardest thing we have to do… especially as a parent. I’m the kind that wants to get the job done now, but sometimes you just can’t and all there is to do is wait. thanks for sharing your story
Karen, I agree waiting is so difficult when it comes to our children. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Hope you have an amazing weekend. Maree
Oh, you’re right, Maree … the waiting is harder than the doing. Thank you for sharing this part of your story with us. It brought back a lot of memories for me of a time when I grappled for answers and cried out to God. Then I had to wait and it’s been long and hard … 13 years without a word. But I trust God is at work and by His grace, I will continue to wait. Blessings and hugs!
Deb, I am praying for you in your wait. Thirteen years is a long time. I am so sorry this is part of your story. Waiting is hard.
I love how you have blessed people in your time of waiting. You have been a huge blessing to me with your blog.
Praying for a miracle for you. Blessings, Maree
Oh, the wagon metaphor!
I’m going to be thinking of that the next time I sense that someone is waiting for me to pick up the handle for them. And I’m also going to do some pondering on whether there are any areas of my life in which my posterior is fixed on those four wobbly wheels.
Michele, You made smile with your comment. Thank you! A great idea to examine ourselves. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Maree
You’re right, Maree Dee. It’s so hard to wait – especially when someone else has a decision to make. It’s so tempting to try to make it for them, but we can’t. Thank you for this encouragement this week!
Oh yes, it is so hard not to step in when someone else needs to make a decision. Thank you for stopping and adding to our conversation. Maree
Prayer is always the most important thing, isn’t it! Including praying for God’s wisdom to know when to help and when to get out of the way. But waiting is not easy and it’s hard when someone we care about is not willing to look to God for help on their own. Thanks for sharing your heart on these issues.
Donna, You are so right it is even harder when our loved ones don’t look to God for help. It breaks my heart because I know he is the only reason I can wait at all. Thank you for adding your wise words to the conversation. Blessings, Maree
Oh you’re speaking my language! The last three years have been a struggle of one wait after another. The wrestling that comes with waiting has been just as hard as waiting in some circumstances. Thank you so much for the encouragement to stand strong!
Esther, Yes, I agree the wrestling is hard. Praying for you as you stand strong in your wait. I am excited to feature your post tomorrow with Grace & Truth Christian Link-Up. It went so well with the series and spoke right to my heart. Blessings, Maree
Maree Dee,
I really enjoyed this post; I have this struggle with a loved one in my family, it’s more physical with mental issues being secondary. They tend to want others to take care of them when they are capable of doing it themselves. I struggle terribly with knowing how to help and when my helping is too much and not allowing them to do their part. Thank you for this post, it is truly helpful!
Susan,
I can relate. It is so hard to know when we are helping or enabling. I have a guest post coming out in a few weeks where I share about “not helping” and how hard that is. Sending prayers for you. I know being in tune with God is key for me. Blessings, Maree
I’m in that waiting and there are days when I do want to drop the handle, just too tired of pulling. But I know it’s not an option. The waiting certainly is not easy but in the wait, moment by moment, is where I’m learning to trust Him. Seeing his grace. So beautiful and encouraging Maree Dee!! Thank you
Lureta, Praying for you in the wait. It is hard. Hoping you are taking to rest along the way. Blessings, Maree
“Letting go is not an option” and “Together we will move forward” – precious advice and encouragement when the waiting seems impossible.
I am so glad you thought so. Sometimes we are called to let go, to me that is even harder.
Dropping the handle and waiting is the place I’m at right now, and it is so difficult. But it’s also a time for specific prayer and expectant faith, knowing that God has a plan in every circumstance, and it’s always with a heart to bring us all to Him. Such encouragement here today!
Praying for you as your drop the handle. Intersting my guest post for you is a little bit about dropping the handle. Each circumstances can be so different. Blessings, Maree
Praying for you as you drop the handle. It takes courage. My guest post for your site is a little bit about letting go when others don’t want you too. I look forward to wrapping it up this week. Blessings, Maree
Yes! Jennifer passed the baton and the linkup to me two months ago. You can find it at my website: marygeisen.com
I wonder how I missed that information. Thank you for letting me know. Maree
Thank you for these words on waiting. I see and hear your heart and know how you are one that is not ready to give up even when the other person might feel like it. I am learning that there are a number of people in my life who need to hear they are wanted and enough because they are unwilling or tired of fighting. Your words help me to understand what this looks like. The word picture of the red wagon provides such a clear visual of the process. Thank you and I hope you share this #TellHIsStory linkup later today or this week.
Mary –
You are so right I don’t easily give up. It sounds like maybe you don’t either if you have people on your mind. I am glad the red wagon helped. I used it all the time to gauge where we are on our journey. I would love to share this with #TellHisStroy, but I thought it was no longer happening. Are you referring to the one Jennifer Dukes Lee used to host on her website or another one?