Have you ever started out wanting to do your best, only to find yourself exhausted from trying to get everything just right?
I have.
For years, I thought striving for excellence was one of my strengths. After all, what could be wrong with working hard, following through, and giving my best effort? But somewhere along the way, my desire to do well kept crossing over into striving for perfection.
Instead of feeling good about what I accomplished, my thoughts focused on what I could have done better. I worried about disappointing others and spent endless hours on tasks that didn’t matter as much as the people right in front of me.
And no matter how hard I tried, it never felt like enough.
Maybe you know that feeling too.
Perfectionism promises that if we work a little harder, do a little more, and avoid making mistakes, we will finally feel satisfied. Instead, it often leaves us exhausted, disappointed, and missing out on the joy God has for us.
God never asked us to be perfect. He invites us to walk closely with Him, depend on His strength, and learn to recognize when our desire to do well has crossed over into unhealthy striving.
If you are tired of feeling as though nothing you do is ever quite good enough, perhaps it is time to learn how to stop striving for perfection and begin making room for more joy.
When You Can‘t See the Problem
The signs were there. The people closest to me could see my perfectionism long before I was willing to recognize it.
God kept nudging me, but I wasn’t listening.
When Appearances Matter Too Much
One of those moments came during a Bible study my husband and I were hosting in our home. Right there in front of everyone, my husband mentioned that he wasn’t sure he believed in God.
I nearly fell off my chair.
But instead of immediately caring about what was happening in my husband’s heart, I felt humiliated. What would everyone think? We were hosting the Bible study. Weren’t we supposed to have our faith figured out?
Looking back, I wish my first response had been concern for my husband rather than embarrassment over how his honesty might reflect on me.
Then there was the infamous mouse incident, in my last post, when maintaining the appearance of a calm and tranquil home mattered more to me than tending to my children’s tender hearts.
These are not my proudest memories.
But looking back, I can see how God used moments like these to expose something I wasn’t yet willing to admit. My desire to do things well had crossed over into something unhealthy. I wasn’t simply pursuing excellence. I was placing too much importance on what other people thought of me, my family, and my life.
What Does Perfectionism Look Like for You?
Maybe your perfectionism looks different.
Perhaps you redo tasks that were already good enough. You avoid trying something new because you might fail. You struggle to rest when there is still work to be done. Or you say yes when you want to say no because you can’t stand the thought of disappointing someone.
If you are beginning to wonder whether the pursuit of perfection is costing you more than you realized, you may also want to read Chasing Perfection: Is the Pursuit Draining Your Energy?
For me, recognizing the problem didn’t happen all at once. God continued to open my eyes, little by little, until I began to see how much my striving was costing me—and how much I was missing along the way.
Martha and Mary
Then God caught my attention through the story of Martha and Mary as I read Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver.
Martha was angry and wanted her sister, Mary, to help. Her frustration seemed reasonable to me. After all, there was work to be done, and Martha was the one doing it. But as I looked more closely at the passage, I began to see that all our doing and striving isn‘‘’t always what is best.
But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:40-42)
What Was My Striving Costing Me?
Like Martha, my heart and mind sincerely want to please God. However, somewhere along the way, my pursuit of excellence turned into a striving for perfection. This type of striving left me exhausted, disappointed, and frustrated. It seemed as though I could never do enough or be enough.
Have you ever felt this way?
Maybe you sincerely want to serve God well, care for the people you love, and follow through on your commitments. Yet somewhere along the way, the pressure builds, and no matter how much you accomplish, you notice what remains undone.
As I diligently worked through the book, poring over the words and lessons, I began to see my tendency toward perfectionism. But beyond seeing the problem, my eyes opened to what I was missing.
God had more in store – a better life filled with more joy.
With the help of some wonderful women in my small group, I started making some minor changes. Nothing too significant at first.
Then I felt the rug pulled right out from under me. As our family entered the world of mental illness, I quickly discovered there was no way to keep up the illusion of perfection.
When the Unexpected Visits
Mental health challenges are not neat and tidy, nor do symptoms arrive on a schedule that fits conveniently into our lives.
Being thrown into a world I never expected or understood, I quickly discovered that striving for perfection was impossible. Pretending life was perfect would only cause deeper pain for those I loved.
I had to accept reality of what our family faced. And in that it was necessary to admit my limitations and imperfections. The facade of having it all together would only keep the support we needed away.
Little by little, I began learning to let good enough be enough.
I Couldn’t Keep Doing It All
It was a matter of survival, not just for my sake but for my children, my marriage, my friendships, and the places where I served.
Making my children a priority wasn’t difficult. Like many moms, when your child is hurting, you do whatever it takes.
The struggle came when I realized I could no longer keep everything else up to the standards I had set for myself.
At first, I felt overwhelmed.
How would I honor my commitments? After all, I wasn’t a quitter.
How would I keep doing things to the standard everyone had grown accustomed to receiving?
I couldn’t.
The grief, worry, sadness, struggle, learning new skills, and caring for my family consumed my time and energy. My child was my priority.
Suddenly, whether I carved a watermelon into the perfect fruit bowl for a party didn’t seem quite so important.
I had limited time and energy, and I needed to learn how to preserve them for the people and responsibilities that mattered most.
Why is it that sometimes it takes a real shake-up to show us where we need healing?
People Matter Most
It sounds simple, but perfectionism can cause us to forget. We spend our limited time and energy trying to meet impossible standards, keep up with everything we think we should be doing, and make sure nothing falls through the cracks.
Meanwhile, we may miss the people right in front of us.
When Life Changes What You Can Carry
Unexpected circumstances taught me that I had to preserve my strength for what mattered most. I couldn’t give everything my best effort. I couldn’t keep doing things the way I had always done them. Some things needed to be done differently. Others needed to be left undone.
Maybe you are in a season where you simply don’t have the capacity you once had.
The way you used to do things may no longer be possible. Your responsibilities may have increased. Your energy may be limited. Life may have changed in ways you never expected.
We can’t go back and recapture the moments we missed.
But we can start today.
We can pay attention to what our striving is costing us and begin loosening our grip on impossible standards. As we ask God to show us what matters most, we can trust Him enough to leave some things undone.
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean we stop caring or doing our best.
It means we stop allowing the pursuit of perfection to keep us from the life God has for us.
How To Stop Striving For Perfection
Recognizing perfectionism is one thing. Learning to live differently is another.
I wish I could tell you that once I saw my perfectionism, I simply stopped striving. I didn’t.
And please don’t turn letting go of perfectionism into one more thing you have to do perfectly.
Start small. Pay attention to where your striving shows up, invite God into the process, and practice making different choices.
Learn to Recognize Your Perfectionism
Perfectionism looks different for each of us.
Pay attention to the places where nothing you do ever seems quite good enough. Notice the thoughts, habits, and situations that trigger your striving.
Ask God to help you recognize when your desire to do your best has crossed over into unhealthy striving.
Admit Where You Struggle
Change begins when we are willing to acknowledge the truth.
If you aren’t sure whether perfectionism is a struggle for you, ask someone you trust. Give them permission to be honest about what they see.
Then bring what you discover to God.
We don’t have to hide our weaknesses from Him. He already knows where we struggle, and He meets us there with grace.
Practice Doing Some Things Imperfectly
This may feel uncomfortable at first.
Choose something small and intentionally let good enough be enough.
If you think china is necessary for an elegant dinner, try paper plates.
Send the email after reading it twice instead of ten times. Leave a minor task unfinished. Allow someone else to help, even if they won’t do it exactly the way you would.
Each small choice helps loosen perfectionism’s grip.
Take a Chance
Is there something you have always wanted to try but avoided because you might fail or wouldn’t be good at it?
Try it anyway.
Give yourself permission to be a beginner. Learn something new. Make mistakes. Laugh at yourself when things don’t turn out as planned.
Failure doesn’t determine your worth, and neither does success.
Sometimes finding more joy begins when we stop demanding that we be good at everything we try.
Practice Gratitude
Perfectionism keeps our eyes focused on what is wrong, unfinished, or not quite good enough.
Gratitude helps us notice what is already good.
Consider starting a gratitude journal or simply naming three things each day for which you are thankful.
Gratitude won’t make every circumstance easy or erase the things that need our attention. But it can help us stop overlooking God’s goodness while we are busy focusing on everything that isn’t perfect.
Remember Where Your Worth Comes From
Perfectionism often tempts us to measure our worth by what we accomplish, how well we perform, or what other people think of us.
But our worth was never meant to rest on any of those things.
God’s love for us does not increase when we succeed or decrease when we fail.
You don’t have to earn what God has already freely given you.
Put Limits on Your Striving
Learn to recognize when enough is enough.
Before beginning a task, decide how much time and energy you are willing to give it. Set a timer if necessary. When the time is up, stop and ask yourself whether continuing will genuinely improve the outcome or whether perfectionism has taken over.
Sometimes we need practical boundaries to keep ourselves from slipping back into old patterns.
Then practice saying:
This is good enough for today.
Let Good Enough Be Enough
It took unexpected circumstances for me to see that letting go of perfect was a better way to live.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with perfectionism. I will always be a work in progress. But now I recognize the warning signs sooner, and I know I have a choice.
I can keep striving for an impossible standard, or I can pause and ask God what matters most.
Perfectionism keeps us focused on what is unfinished, what could have been better, and where we failed to measure up. Along the way, we can miss the people in front of us, the goodness of God in the present moment, and the joy available to us right now.
Maybe today you need permission to leave something unfinished.
Perhaps you need to try something new without knowing whether you will succeed, ask someone for help, or stop working on something that is already good enough.
Start with one small choice.
Ask God, “Where am I striving for perfection when You are inviting me to trust You instead?”
Then listen.
You don’t have to change everything today.
Choose one place to loosen your grip on perfection and trust God with the rest.
As we learn to let good enough be enough, we make room for more peace, greater freedom, and the joy God has for us—even in the midst of the unexpected.
Where is perfectionism stealing your joy today, and what is one small thing you can choose to do differently?
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I can not express how much I love this post. After suffering medical issues and being faced with the inability to do things I used to do, I have so struggled with not being able to achieve the “perfection” I thought I needed. I co-host the FAITH AND WORSHIP CHRISTIAN WEEKEND link party. I would love for you to join us there for Christian fellowship. You can find it over on my blog, Grace for a Gypsy
Ahh, Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad my post spoke to you. I am so sorry for your medical issues. I bet you have lots to say about striving for perfection. It’s amazing how when our abilities are taken away, we notice what is most important.
Thank you for the invite to join your link-up. Right now, I am pulling back from linking with other link-ups as I try to work on a book proposal and concentrate on the holidays. I am solely participating in our Grace & Truth Link-up on Fridays until I get this project done. I want to be able to read and participate. I am going to save your website and look into it in the new year. Thank you for letting me know. I hope you will join us.
Maree
thank you for these very practical and tangible tools to think through for gaining a right perspective on our own mental health. I read that book my Weaver several years ago, it was so good…you have inspired me to pull it out again! 🙂
glad i found you through crystalstorms.me link up!
Mariel, Thank you for stopping by. I am so glad you did. You have inspired me to pull out the book too. Maree
Love this article, as there is a lot that I identify with – thank you for sharing so honestly.
Sharon, Thank you for stopping by and reading. Maree
Mares, this article is so relevant. As women I think we can fall into the perfectionist trap. I truly appreciate the connection you draw to people being most important. We can get too focused on how we appear to others and lose perspective. I found the section How to stop striving for perfection especially helpful.
Donna,
Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad you found this article relevant. It is always a choice to keep reaching for perfection or draw closes to those that matter. Happy Fourth of July! Maree
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing such wisdom.
Thank you for stopping by and reading. Maree
We have to remember that most of the time done is better than perfect. I know I’ve fallen into that trap both at work and at home over the years. I am finally learning to just do things as best I can and move on.
Tracey,
I am going to have to write than one down, “done is better than perfect.” I needed to hear that this morning. I need to do something that seems too hard. However, I am going to give it my all and let it be finished.Thank you for adding to our conversation. Maree
Maree
I think trying to be a perfectionist, which in my early days I tried to be, is more works based and appearance based than grace based. When I think I need to do all the work, that is clue number one.
Theresa – You have such wisdom in your words. I agree it is “work and appearance-based, not grace-based.” I love your clue. A light bulb has gone off in my head over something I am struggling with right now. Thank you for sharing today. I needed to hear your thoughts. Maree
“Let good enough be enough.” That’ll preach! Perfectionism gets the best of us at different times. We want everything to be perfect…just right, yet nothing ever is no matter how hard we try. I think examining “why” is a great way to get past perfectionism. Why is it so important? Is it because I need to keep up a facade? Is it because of something I was told in my childhood? Who am I trying to please? Am I seeking validation that I’m good enough? Thanks for the steps to move beyond it.
Yvonne,
I agree to know “why” will help to stop this useless pursuit. I loved hearing your take on perfectionism. Thank you for joining the conversation.
Maree
This is the second post on perfectionism that I’ve read this week…maybe God is giving me a gentle remindner!
Anita – I’m never quite sure if I like it when that happens to me. Thanks for stopping by. Maree
Having 7 kids, even though they were spread out, I had to let go of perfectionism. My kids came first above the housework, etc. My problem now is getting rid of clutter, but I guess perfectionism can rear its ugly head there, too, by making think it all has to be done now so everything will look nice. I know there is a balance and that’s what I need to find. Blessings to you, Maree! I’m your neighbor at the #LMMLinkup.
Gayl, I had no idea you had seven children. Wow! Yes, one would quickly need to drop perfectionism. Yes, clutter would be an issue with such a big family. Thanks for stopping by. Maree
I never knew how much I was striving, and not just as a perfectionist. God’s way is perfect, so I had to stop striving, and be still, and cease striving is another translation of Psalm 46:10.
Excellent thought. Thank you for sharing. Psalm 46:10 is my life verse. Maree
Amen, Maree Dee! I especially like your tip to practice gratitude! That’s one I’m focusing more energy on lately and I can see it shifting my perfectionistic ways in subtle but very real ways. Love the infographic too! Pinning and tweeting, my friend! Great post!
Thank you!! I love your encouragement. What is strange is perfectionism creeps up on you if you aren’t careful. Thank you for stopping by. Maree
This is a great post! I definitely used to be a perfectionist but gradually I’ve become better at showing myself grace and accepting that things don’t always have to be perfect.
Lesley, I am right there with you. It is so freeing to let go of perfectionism. Maree
Thank you for sharing your story so transparently and for encouraging us with what the Lord has taught you about perfectionism.
Blessings,
You are so welcome. It is a journey. Maree
Love this post Maree! Pinned and tweeted. 🙂 Perfectionism is such a stress maker! It’s so nice when you can allow yourself not to have to be perfect! Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements!
Patsy, Thank you for sharing my post. It is nice when we let go of perfectionism and be who God created us to be. Blessings, Maree
Thank you for sharing so personally. I am a recovering perfectionist who has learned to let go of a lot of over the years, but it wasn’t easy and I still fall back into perfectionsism sometimes. The area I struggle with is loving myself as I am. I’m a slow learner but God is working on me.
Mary – You are in good company. I too am a recovering perfectionist. It is so easy to fall back into perfectionism, isn’t it? I have to use little tricks, so I don’t, like setting a timer when I am working on something. I hope you continue to learn to love yourself. I think you are pretty amazing. I love reading your post and your website. Blessings, Maree
These are PERFECT tips! Thanks for sharing at the #LMMLinkup. Printing. 🙂
Brandi – I am so glad you found the tips helpful. Thank you for letting me know. Maree
Great tips, Maree. I think I read that same book years ago, or one like it. I know having a child was wake up call number one that I was a perfectionist and I could no longer continue that job full time. Being a perfectionist, not being a mother LOL.
Theresa – I agree, being a mother kind of messes with attempting to be a perfectionist. Maree
I like the idea of focusing on what I have to be thankful for instead of what I did wrong!
Great post, Maree!
I agree! I honestly had never thought about gratitude helping with stopping perfectionism until I did some reading. I forgot to attach the website I found it on. I will try to add it this week. Blessings, Maree
I love how you said that perfectionism robs you of the life God intended. So very true. Thanks for these reminders, Amy
Amy – Thank you for stopping by. I am glad our minds think alike on perfectionism. Hope you are living the life God intended. Maree
Love these tips! I’ve always been a perfectionist, so I relate to a lot of what you are saying.
I need to repeat the “Let good enough be enough” often!
Shannon – We have lots in common. I actually have it pinned up in my writing room and on my phone.
This question caught my eye: Why is that sometimes it takes a real shake up to see where we are broken? I’ve been thinking about that a lot these days, and the only thing I can gather is that God meets us uniquely in the midst of pain and brokenness. Sometimes it takes months – years – to know how He has moved in our brokenness. I also love your tip to do the opposite of perfection. How perfect! 😉 I found you at Faith & Friends. Thanks for sharing!
Alison – Thank you for being brave and answering the question. I imagine it could be different for everyone. I love what you said, “God meets us uniquely in the midst of pain and brokenness.” As I ponder that statement, I find it so true.
Maree
Maree,
Perfections is a killer. I have suffered from it for much of my life. I love the printable. Something I can hang on my bathroom mirror so it’s the first thing I face every day.
Sheila – I am so glad you like my printables. Great idea! I need the daily reminder too. I better print them for my mirror. Hope you are doing well and having a wonderful summer. Maree
What a wonderful post, Maree! “I needed to preserve my strength for what was most important.” Don’t we all need that tattooed on our foreheads? Several of my family members struggle with depression and anxiety (and I deal with low levels of anxiety myself) so I understand the need to not spend our energies in the wrong places. I love your advice to “Do the opposite of perfect”! Thanks for sharing the link to my post, too. Blessings to you!
Lisa – Yes, with depression and anxiety all the more reason to save our energy for what is most important. I do have to say when I first started changing my ways some of my family didn’t like it. It was pretty funny. Thank you for stopping by and visiting. Maree
To answer your question, How do you stop yourself from striving for perfection…I don’t have an issue with that. When I was in the workforce, I used WordPerfect (dating myself, I know) for our word processing system and I was considered a Word Perfectionist as unused codes needed to be removed and everything just so. I’m long past that now. Not to say that I don’t produce work that is to my best ability, as I will read and re-read my drafts about 3 or 4 times before scheduling posts. But a perfectionist? No, I simply do my best in everything I do but I do not stress about it.
Stopped by for a visit from Salt & Light Link Up.
It sounds like you have it down. Doing our best is always a great quality to have and then to let it go and not be stressed is wonderful. That is my goal. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Maree
great article
Thank you!
No mental health challenges are not neat and tidy and take their toll on you, your spouse, the siblings and just everyone – which is sad thanks for your encouraging words, hang in there, I personally gave up perfection after the fourth child who developed schizoaffective disorder in his late teens, this indeed helped me relax but not his siblings but they have come around and are supportive of him thank goodness
Yes, the challenges of mental health do take a toll on everyone. However, I have also found many blessings along the way. I like myself a whole lot better. I am sorry your son struggles with a mental health challenge but thankful he has a support system. It makes a difference as you know.