Do you ever think your marriage will fail or maybe even wish it would? There was a time about fifteen years ago when I was ready to give up. With the addition of unexpected circumstances, I felt as if a struggling relationship was too much to endure. Until someone wise spoke words that resonated and changed my thinking. Perhaps, they will help you too.
Do you ever think your marriage will fail or maybe even wish it would? #marriage #relationships Click To TweetBut first, let me share the words that challenged me never to give up. I remember the kind doctors’ words clear as day. She cleared her throat, looked me in the eyes, paused, and said,
“You do know most marriages fail under these circumstances.”
She continued talking, but my mind was somewhere else. All I cared about was my child’s well-being. It took all of my self-control not to scream at the doctor, “Please tell me how you will fix our daughter, not my marriage.” My precious child was hurting, and we needed to help her. The last thing on my mind was the survival of my marriage.
Are the flashing red lights blinking, “Child-Centered Parent”? Yes, my sole focus on this particular day was my child’s well-being. Wouldn’t yours be too if you thought your child might not survive?
When someone says you might fail, does it spur you on to try harder? Or does it permit you to quit?
Will We Be Another Statistic?
As the reality of our circumstances set in and we were well into our journey of living with our child’s mental illness, the doctor’s words came back to me. As I sat in waiting rooms and met other parents, I saw with my own eyes the doctor was so right—most marriages don’t make it. However, I felt challenged and wanted to prove the stats wrong.
I began to question, Will my marriage survive? Although not a virtuous notion to admit, I wasn’t sure I wanted my relationship to last.
Have you ever been there? Are you there now?
Expectations
Yes, I loved my husband but was it enough? Our marriage had turned out completely different from what I had expected. The fairy tale romance did not continue beyond the honeymoon. The ease of conversation now had become strained.
I was convinced we had made the wrong decision in tying the knot. My thoughts were frequently were consumed with what was wrong and how we were opposites in every way. I convinced myself somehow; we had failed to listen to God’s direction in finding that one and only perfect mate.
Never once did I consider God could work in the midst of any wrong decision we might have made. But of course, we must let go of those expectations we hold on to so tightly, and we must be willing to do our part.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
—Joseph Campbell
Perhaps, like me, you went into marriage with a specific idea of what it would be like, and it turned out entirely different. You know those darn expectations can get you into trouble and cause you to suffer.
My husband wasn’t the man I thought he was, and I had not mastered the “perfect” wife I dreamed of being. Our marriage wasn’t the fairytale romance you see in movies or displayed on Facebook.
Then again, is anyone’s marriage what it appears to be?
When It Seems Too Hard
Questions whirled through my head. How could I endure a sick child, two other children to raise, and a struggling marriage? I cried out to God, “Lord, please show me if this is the time to walk away.”
I had asked the Lord a million times before, “Do I leave now?” and never once did He reply, “Yes, go.”
With new circumstances, I figured God would give me his blessing to leave, but instead, all I heard was, “I’m not done with you two yet.”
Everything we had going against us overwhelmed me. If we didn’t have something great, how could we build it now?
How in the middle of messiness can someone build a marriage worth saving?
I stressed over my child being ill in a faraway state receiving help that we couldn’t provide. Feelings of parent failure loomed heavy in my heart. Then the mental health diagnoses came not one but three in our immediate family. As we began unraveling the history, I felt betrayed by the silence of those that knew the struggle and never spoke a word of warning.
It seemed too much to navigate my new role as a mental health caregiver and struggle with a marriage. The obvious choice seemed to be the end of our husband and wife relationship so that I could give 100% care to my children. Yet, God was not in agreement. So, I did the next best thing; I went out to find someone to agree with me.
Seek Wise Counsel
After first turning to God, seeking wise counsel is often necessary to navigate life’s unexpected twists. #perseverence #marriage Click To TweetHowever, I was out to prove the Lord wrong, so Godly guidance along with perspective was a definite requirement in my situation. I turned to the most logical people I could think of—my pastor and his wife. I remember as I entered their office, they met me with kindness, concern, and compassion.
There wasn’t a trace of judgment on their faces as I unraveled my story. I braced myself for their remarks as I expected to hear one of two responses. “Maree, yes, you have biblical reasons to leave. Or Grin and bear it— after all, you entered into this covenant.”
Suzanne, my pastor’s wife, listened intently, taking in my every word. She wasn’t even rattled in the least bit when I announced we weren’t living together and, due to circumstances, may never reside again in the same home. Suzanne kindly let me finish speaking before uttering a word. Then—she looked straight into my eyes and, with a confident voice, said these simple words,
“Your marriage can look different.”
At first, the idea seemed absurd. Quickly I sent rebuttals. “But what about……” She kept replying, “Your marriage can look different.”
As I took one small step after another, heading to my car, one word kept running through my head—Different.
Then I began uttering her words over and over again, “My marriage can look different.”
Comparing Hurts Us
When we constantly compare ourselves or our relationships to others, we tend to focus on everything wrong instead of the beautiful aspects that are right. Another sneaky comparison we tend to overlook is when we hold tight to those expectations that never come to fruition.
Up to this point, I had clung to an illusion of what I thought marriage should look like instead of grasping what we could make of it. My focus was on my unrealistic expectations. I rarely ever stopped to embrace what was right and to allow us to be different.
Do you compare your marriage or relationships to others? Does it leave you disappointed, discouraged, and disillusioned? #marriage #relationships #comparism Click To TweetI had mastered this way of thinking. Even now, after thirty-three years of marriage, those old patterns can emerge and wreak havoc.
Change is Possible
Slowly but surely, we pursued marriage amid an unexpected life. God gave us a willingness to work hard and strength to weather the bumps along the way. Then we began the hard work of acceptance. We had to accept each other, our circumstances and push away those expectations.
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Romans 15:7
The Lord can make change possible. Believe our God can do anything.
God can do some pretty incredible things in the midst of the unexpected. Of course, we must be willing to do our part too.
Please don’t think for a minute I am preaching divorce is never warranted. My heart aches for those of you who have endured this pain or are considering it today. But what I am recommending—
Before Ending Your Marriage
- Seek God First
- Quit Comparing
- Accept Each Other
- Seek Wise Godly Counsel
- Be Willing to Do Your Part
- Remember—Your Relationship Can Look Different
- Let God Guide You in Your Decisions
Let me share a little secret. Back in 2018, I decided to spend a month on my website dedicated to marriage. I initially chose to fill each week with some fabulous guest writers. Then I felt a nudge by God, reminding me it isn’t all about perfection or how we look to the outside world. So out of obedience, I wrote this article and updated it today.
It has now been thirty-three years, and we are still going strong. My marriage does look different, but it is good. I feel blessed to have the amazing husband God told me to keep.
Do you ever think your marriage will fail? What steps do you take to make sure it doesn’t happen?
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As a widow now, I have only more love for my second husband, Kenneth, for he introduced me to Jesus. He loved me as I am. He showed me how a Christ-centered marriage should be. (Funny, he had never been married before and we were both 45 when we married.)
I now look to God as my Husband: Isaiah 54:5 –
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
Thank you for sharing from your perspective as a widow. It is so helpful to know we can look to God as our husband. I’m sorry Kenneth is no longer here with you.
However, how exciting that Kenneth introduced you to Jesus. Thank you for sharing that piece of your story.
Blessings,
Maree
I think as we replace unhealthy expectations in marriage with healthy ones (and I believe that takes about 10 years – or at least it did for me) – that marriage does look different. There are so many different kinds of love that grow that it must! Challenges are themselves a kind of fire that, with God, either bind you closer together – but it sure takes a lot of not giving up! Thank you for this true, hard insight into what a life-time marriage looks like – and how to get to a lifetime.
Maryleigh,
I agree with what you said, “Challenges are themselves a kind of fire that, with God, either bind you closer together – but it sure takes a lot of not giving up! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us.
Maree
Maree, so beautiful what God can do to our relationships and hearts. So often we think we need to be the same, when we can be different. Not all marriages or people look alike. 7 years into our marriage after a school bus slammed into our car and injured my husband and I, our marriage and relationship was struggling. A therapist kept telling me that we did not need to be one of the statistics and divorce. We could make it. In fact we could emerge on the other side stronger. I didn’t believe her. But slowly we did make it. With God, we don’t need to be another statistic.
Theresa, Thank you for sharing your personal story. I am so glad you hung in there and that you saw a fantastic therapist who believed your marriage could make it. It is so hard when you are in the thick of things to see the other side. I am so sorry to hear about the accident. Have you both fully recovered?
Blessings to you, Maree
Because of my parents’ divorce, I went into marriage learning how to trust – and that including trusting that neither of us would ever walk out. Then I realized that when I was upset, 90% of the reason was my issue – and then I realized those expectations you talk about? I think it takes about 10+ years for two people to transform unhealthy expectations into healthy expectations. Marriage is a journey. So glad you didn’t give up. Thank you for sharing the challenge and God-in-it!
https://bluecottonmemory.com/when-women-encourage-one-another-dreams-grow/
Oh, I love the attitude you had when you walked into marriage. I, too, came from my parents divorcing. However, at the beginning of my marriage, I struggled with trust. Plus, I went into marriage thinking if it doesn’t work, I will walk out. I know that does not really line up with Christ’s thinking. Thank goodness I finally changed my thoughts to God’s thinking on marriage.
You are so right. It does take time to transform those unhealthy expectations. I loved your comment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Maree
I am amazed at the timing of this! Wow!!! Struggling right now with this decision after 37 years of marriage . I love you and your honesty and I thank God for you and that you listened to Him to bless me . I hear your voice in my head “because we love them” we don’t quit when it’s hard…we pray, seek wise counsel, take a break, and so many things I have learned from your perseverance in spite of your pain.
Lori,
Your comment made my day. It is a blessing to know my words have an impact. But don’t for one minute think I have this mastered. I still need to be reminded of each of the things you mentioned. We are in this together. Thank goodness we have God to guide us. Blessings to you,
Maree
One more comment, I admire your perseverance. I know God is smiling when He thinks of you. Maree
Thank you for sharing your very personal journey with us here today Maree.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Jennifer, Thank you for your kind words. I hope you have a blessed week. Maree
This is great advice, Maree Dee! What a wise pastor’s wife! We married as teenagers, I was pregnant, and we had to fight hard to keep our marriage together. Both of us were wounded from our upbringing, and neither of us knew what we were doing. By the grace of God alone, we’ve now been married 44 years. We are best friends, and our marriage reflects us.
Melinda,
Congratulations on reaching 44 years. But the best part is you are best friends. Thank you for reading and commenting today. You have inspired me.
Maree
Thank you for sharing this, Maree. No marriage is perfect, and even those not thinking about separation can use some adjustments from time to time. Elisabeth Elliot once said that most women appreciate or agree with about 80% of what their husbands say and do, yet they focus on the 20% that bugs them or that they disagree with. I try to remember that when I am fixated on something negative–there’s so much more positive.
BTW, the link-up says it’s not open for 11 hours. I am hoping that is a mistake and will check back later. Meantime, I’ll check with the other hostesses and see if ti is open there.
Barbara,
Thank you for sharing the quote from Elisabeth Elliot. It is so true if we are not careful, our minds go to the 20%. I’m guilty but working on looking at the 80%.
Sorry about the link-up not working. It was helpful you let me know. Valerie was able to fix it. I hope you have an amazing week.
Blessings,
Maree
This is great advice for wives who think their marriage is failing. At times they may be right, but nothing is beyond God’s healing power!
Amen – I love what you said, “Nothing is beyond God’s healing power!
Wow, Maree, this is so good. Thank you for opening up to us and for all the encouragement you offer – and for the solid foundation you build it on! Sharing!
Leslie,
Thank you for reading and sharing. Your encouragement means the world to me.
Maree
Maree Deem there is so much truth here. Marriage is not a place of romance or fantasy. It is hard work and commitment. Thanks so much for sharing on the #LMMLinkup this week.
You are so welcome. Thank you for hosting. I hope your 10 minutes of writing has been going well. You have inspired me to write first, before I do the other things associated with bloggging.
Praise God for biblical counsel; His Word doesn’t return void. Yes, we do our part, but He does the changing!
Amen! Kelly, thank you for adding your wise words to the conversation. Maree
Love how you proved that statistics are no match for God! The tips and point you made were great, Maree! I enjoyed this post 🙂
I could go on and on about the stats we have beat because we put our faith in God. He does his best work when things seem impossible. I know you believe that too. Thank you for stopping by.
I am quite encouraged.
I am so happy you were encouraged by this post. Thank you for stopping by and letting me know. Maree
Thanks for your vulnerable honesty, Maree. Every marriage is SO different but each one is precious. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary, too— congratulations to you! It’s quite the milestone and worth celebrating, especially when we look back over the years and see God’s faithfulness! Enjoy your travels… Stopping by from #MomentsofHope
Laura, Congratulations to you too for thirty years of marriage. It is great to look back over the years and see God was always at work and with us. Happy Weekend! Blessings, Maree
So good, Maree! Great tips! I think God does some of His best work in the middle of our messes! Thank you for being so transparent and honest. I love how you pulled in comparison here… Why are we so willing to believe we are unique but not also believe that our marriages could be, too. Great tips for going the distance! Blessings!
Liz, I agree God does do some of his best work in the middle of messes. If only we could hang on to that truth while in the middle of our messy circumstances. Thank you for stopping, reading, and leaving a message. I always love hearing from you. Maree
Thanks for sharing glorious and gritty truth here, Maree. I’m sure this post wasn’t easy to write, and the “research” you’ve done over the past 30 years has not been easy either, and yet God has a “weight of glory” in store for you. Thanks for persevering! Enjoy your celebratoin!
Michele,
I can’t wait for that “weight of glory” in store for me. Oh, you have no idea how I needed to hear your words this morning. I have been rushing around putting God on the side the last two days trying to get out of here for our trip. You reminded me it isn’t all about perfection. Hope you have a marvelous weekend. Maree
Thank you so much this has been very inspirational and real how I often think and feel about my marriage. We have been married for 12 years and have two young boys, our eldest son has HFA ASD & social anxiety which puts an immense amount of strain on our relationship and communication. It’s good to know that marriage can still be off God and look so different to our expectations. Thanks again
Congratulation on 12 years together. Having children with special needs can be an added challenge and like you said, does add strain to our relationships. I like that you added communication. Although I wouldn’t want anyone to find marriage more complicated it is nice to know we are not alone. Blessings, Maree
What a brave and beautiful post, Maree! Our marriage has been through fiery trials in 18 years, and I know how it feels to wonder if it will fail. Your advice is spot on. Happy anniversary to you! Sharing this.
Sarah,
Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement and well wishes. I am glad you found it spot on. Congrats on your 18 years of marriage. Blessings, Maree
Thank you for sharing my post!
This is the second time this week I’ve run across this quote: “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. So I’m listening! 🙂 Thanks for sharing these awesome pieces of advice. None of us are immune from needing them.
Lisa, It was even good for me to see that quote again. Thank you for sharing it here. I’m listening too. Have a great day! Maree
A beautiful testimony to God’s faithfulness and your obedience. There is no such thing, I don’t think, of a perfect marriage. Your tips are wise. Happy anniversary! Enjoy your time together.
Debbie, Thank you for your good wishes for our anniversary. I agree there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, after all, how could there be when we are imperfect. Maree
Awesome post! I love how open you are about your struggles and the path it took to get you where you are now. And congratulations on 30 years! We were told the same thing when our son died, “that most marriages fail after the loss of a child.” We give thanks and praise to God for carrying us through raising two kids with mental illness and through the loss of our son. We also just celebrated 30 years together! So here is to defying all the odds and here is to 30 years! I’m so glad to hear you are taking time to get away together to celebrate. Enjoy!
Laura, Yes, Amen to defying the odds and 30 years for both of us. I am so sorry for your loss and join you in praising God for carrying you through all that you have endured. Glad our paths have crossed. Maree
What a great word of encouragement to let the Lord define your relationship. We try so hard to make ourselves over, but that never lasts for very long. I am so glad that Jesus knows how to create true beauty! And I’m so glad that the Lord nudged you to share. Blessings to you!
Bettie, Thank you for your sweet comment. I am glad too that Jesus knows how to create true beauty. The hard part is believing it. Blessings, Maree
Great post! Awesome truth…”Your marriage could look different.” It encouraged me to remember that marriages look like the people in them. My marriage can’t look like someone else’s because they are not in mine. What a great word of encouragement!
Yes, we all different and so are our marriages. Thank you for stopping by reading and leaving a comment. Hope you have a fantastic day. Blessings, Maree