Do you want to stop feeling entrapped by guilt and start living a life of freedom? Maybe you are that supermom who has worn the title for too long, and now you want to let it go. Or perhaps you were always the dependable one, and now you want someone else to step up. Find out today how to focus on breaking free from guilt.
Six Steps to Help You Focus on Breaking Free From Guilt
Step 1: Recognize the Emotion & the Cause
Can you tell when you are feeling guilt? It is imperative to start learning to recognize this emotion. One key indicator might be when your language starts, including the word “should.” #guilt #should Click To TweetOnce we can recognize the emotion, we need to determine the behavior we are doing or desiring. Right now, go ahead and pull out a piece of paper. At the top, write—The feeling of guilt arises when I…
Next, list out what you are doing when you feel guilty without placing any judgment. Here are a few examples:
The feeling of guilt arises when I—
- take time to exercise.
- take time to meet my needs.
- yell at my kids or husband.
- fail to read my Bible.
- rest while others are working.
- fail to keep in touch with friends.
Step 2: Determine If the Guilt Is Justified or Unjustified
This step is critical, and we will need to take our time. If we do not examine the emotion, we will not know how to respond appropriately. We can ask ourselves if the behavior violates our values or morals.
Look back at your list in step one, choose a few, and determine which ones are due to justified or unjustified guilt. Sometimes pretending this list belongs to a best friend will help.
Two weeks ago, we looked at unjustified and justified guilt. It is essential to know the difference. Click here for an explanation – “Is the Guilt You Are Feeling Helpful?”
Step 3: If Justified Guilt—Seek Forgiveness and Repair
Confession started long ago in religion; however, it is also a big part of psychotherapy today. Holding on to guilt wreaks havoc in a person’s life. It will be essential to seek forgiveness from God, the ones you wronged, and ourselves.
Of course, we must accept the consequences and commit to avoiding this behavior that goes against our moral code or values in the future.
Have you ever held on to something you did wrong? How did it impact your life?
However, we do not want to leave it there. If possible, we need to repair the harm and make amends to restore the damage done. Many times this takes time to break free from guilt – be patient.
Tease the guilt apart
As mentioned in my prior post, overwhelming guilt sometimes haunts me that my children suffer from mental illness. Some of the remorse is justified and unjustified guilt, and teasing the feelings apart is necessary. Even though it is not my fault that my children have a mental illness owning any part can help deepen trust in the relationship. Plus, it allows me to let go of my guilt. When I spoke these words, it helped both of us, “I am so sorry I didn’t get you the help needed early on when you first showed signs of struggle. I wish my awareness of your pain would have been keener.”
We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. It is okay to let that guilt go. However, we must keep learning, trying, and loving the way God steers us. #guilt Click To TweetStep 4: If Unjustified Guilt—Try Opposite Action
Sometimes solely looking at the facts will help reduce the unwanted feelings of unjustified guilt. But other times, we need to take things a step further. Doing the opposite of what you are feeling is a great way to reduce these emotions of unjustified guilt. This skill is part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., developed.
Is it hard for you to do things for yourself when it involves leaving behind someone who can’t go? Or perhaps when their needs appear to outweigh your own? Often, the unjustified guilt rises, we begin overthinking comments made, and we end up canceling out what is best for us.
The struggle is real. But we must go ahead and do the opposite of what feels wrong when we know it is unjustified guilt. You might need to ask yourself, “What is this emotion trying to get me to do?” “Do I want this emotion to stop?” If yes, do the behavior that creates the unjustified guilt – repeatedly. Eventually, this emotion will grow weaker.
Leaving Behind a Hurting Child
As I began pulling out of the driveway, tears exploded from my eyes. Thoughts attacked my mind— what kind of a mom leaves behind a suffering child? Convinced, it must be a bad, selfish one. My eyes darted up to the reflection in the mirror, and I gasped in fear. This woman staring back was hardly recognizable. Her eyes were puffy, dark circles etched into her face, and mascara streaking down her cheeks. I would love to tell you that this day was a complete success, and all guilt evaporated into thin air. But it didn’t happen that way.
Finding a balance between caregiving and self-care is something one never quite attains. Guilt plays a BIG role. We most likely will not be able to abolish the emotion. However, we can learn to regulate it. This day was the beginning of learning how to do the opposite of what was creating the feeling. One day turned into a weekly event and eventually into a weekend away. I sometimes wonder where we would be had I not started with one day.
Remember, when we give in to unjustified guilt, it is not healthy for anyone. #guilt Click To TweetOf course, our circumstances are different, and I am not a therapist. If you are a caregiver, it is always good to consult with professionals and do this in small steps.
Step 5: Practice Good Self-Care
People who lean towards unjustified guilt do not usually take good care of themselves, and they tend to think of self-care as selfish. Plus, it is not uncommon for them to take on responsibilities that belong to others. Often, they make it a habit of placing the needs of others before their own. These thoughts have been my mindset all too frequently.
Remember, when traveling by plane, if the oxygen masks drop, we must put ours on first.
It doesn’t mean we will never put the needs of others before ours. The Bible teaches us to put others first but remember, Jesus also rested.
One key element of good self-care is knowing our personal and emotional limits and respecting them. In the past, when it was evident my daughter was struggling with her anxiety, I would rush in immediately to offer comfort and then stay way beyond what was suitable for either of us. As a semi non-worrier, I can handle worry talk for about 10 – 15 minutes without becoming exasperated and unglued. You can read about it here – “When You Want to Help: Eight Strategies for Supporting Someone With an Anxiety Disorder.”
Does guilt often keep you away from taking good care of yourself? A great question to ask yourself – Will I be able to step in to help and still maintain my emotional balance?
Step 6: Be Prepared for the Storm
We will be rattling the boat to break this vicious cycle, and people might not like it. This probably has become a habit if you have been acting on unjustified guilt. Knowing the storm is coming helps us to prepare for the displeasure of others. Hold your head high and act with confidence. Do not apologize for what you are doing. Look the other person in the eye and speak with a steady voice. Know what you will say.
After all, taking good care of yourself by not responding to unjustified guilt will help those you love. It is okay if people don’t understand it or like it. Change is usually challenging, even when the changes make sense.
If it is justified guilt, there will probably be some consequences. Anger might be a significant component, and we must be ready to accept it. Whatever you do, try not to argue but instead find the part of what they are saying and validate it.
Free From Guilt Printable
Break Free From Guilt and Live Free
We can break free from the guilt and live free. Jesus paved the way. When we hold on to God’s grace, love, and wisdom, He will show us when to let go of the guilt and when we need to make amends. God will help us through every step above if we tap into the Holy Spirit. Draw near to Him.
However, it is easy to fall back into old territory, especially if you are prone to guilt. We must engage our minds to override the instinct to rush in to act out of unjustified guilt. Catch yourself before it happens. As we learn to live with a mindset of breaking free from our guilt, the emotion will automatically begin to diminish from lack of attention.
Are you struggling to break free from guilt? I would love to pray for you this week.
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This has been a struggle for me lately, so thanks for this timely post and encouragement!!
Kristin,
I am so glad you found this article an encouragement. Thank you for letting me know. Maree
What you said about teasing apart the emotion to determine if it’s justified guilt or not really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing the 6 steps as well. Great post
Wemi, Thank you for your encouragement. It is so hard sometimes to see the difference between justified and unjustified. I am struggling right now with a little unjustified guilt. My desire is to swoop in to make it all better, but I know I need to let it go. Maree
Sharing your personal experience really drives your point home. I’ve struggled with guilt when it comes to my children as well. Thank God for his mercies!
It is hard not to struggle as a parent with guilt from time to time. I agree. Thank goodness God is merciful. Maree
Maree, I found this post most helpful, especially your six steps to work through. Sometimes it’s easy to “read” something, but then putting it into practice becomes more difficult. I struggle with both justified and unjustified guilt, though the unjustified is much harder for me. Healthy guilt focuses on the realization that all has been forgiven, the wrong has been redeemed. Once we confess our sins we have but to embrace it. Unhealthy guilt requires more “mind work” to sort out, which can cause me to stumble! Your six steps will help me in that area!
Thank you for sharing this! As someone who struggles with anxiety, guilt usually accompanies it as well. Such an encouragement to read this today.
Thank you for being so transparent with your struggles and story. God is using it to encourage so many and point them to Him. I know exactly what you mean (although with a different kind of illness) about caregiver guilt – especially in regards to self-care. I continue to pray for you in this.
Lauren,
Thank you for your encouraging words. You have no idea how much I needed to hear them right now today.
I know you understand. It is a constant battle to try and balance out the care for ourselves and others. Yet, we so much more to offer when we do.
Blessings,
Maree
Your guilt list looks so similar to mine! Thanks for this beautiful post! I really needed to hear this today!
Meghan, I am so glad you stopped by to read today. Sorry, your guilt list looks like mine. I am praying for both of us. Maree
Love your heart to help others they grief and pain. God is using your hard stuff for His glory!
Nicki, Thank you! Your words meant the world to me. Maree
Finally a topic I’m not guilty of!!!!
Love your comment. Happy Friday! Maree
Oh, my! I’ve always struggled with unjustified guilt. It seems to hit me most at night, just before bed. And for all kinds of random things. I’ve learned to recognize it now, and I evaluate why I feel that way. Then I remind myself I haven’t actually done anything wrong. I have to do that most nights, but I think you’re right: It gets better with time and we can’t indulge that feeling. Loved your tips, Maree!
Ashley,
Thank you for your encouraging words and for sharing your heart. I think many of us struggle with unjustified guilt. Praying for you. Maree
Thank you for an insightful article – to recognise what is holding us back from living in the freedom that Jesus won for us is the only way to make that first step to moving on!
Sharon, Thank you for reading and leaving an encouraging comment. I hope you have a blessed weekend. Maree
I attended a woman’s conference this past weekend – it was about Joy. There’s a bloggy connection to this sweet conference and the women I meet there – blogging opened the door to meeting these amazing women (only one blogs – LOL) – but I met a woman last year who is old enough to be my mom – and last year we talked about Joy – and we did this year, too – over lunch – how do you live joy when people you love don’t – how do you give yourself permission to live joy when they’re struggling – and she told me this – when we trust that God has the saving plan – and believe – we have to live joy that our prayers have been answered, though we don’t see it right now. I so needed this sweet woman’s wisdom. Being a mom is not for sissies! Thanks for tackling such a hard topic – God doesn’t want us to feel guilt over so many things – I’ve had those hard repenting moments that are just heart-breaking because “I didn’t know. . .” – and it’s about stole my breath – but God wants us to find joy in Him and you cannot with guilt needs to be let go! ~ Maryleigh
Maryleigh,
Thank you for sharing. Your question penetrated my heart – “How do you live joy when people you love don’t?” and “How do you give yourself permission to live joy when they’re struggling?” They are both questions I have had to tackle over the years, but I know we can find joy with God. I love the thought -” We have to live joy that our prayers have been answered, though we don’t see it right now.”
Maree
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I battle so much with guilt, and I’m realizing how much it plagues me throughout the day. Even the littlest things can make me spiral into guilt. I don’t think this is how God intended for us to be! Your post makes me want to look up some scriptures about how Jesus has set us free. Thanks again for sharing.
Tiffany,
You are so right God did not intend for us to carry this guilt. Please don’t hesitate to stop back over here and leave a scripture that speaks to your heart. I, too, struggle with guilt. Here is another post you might find helpful. https://www.embracingtheunexpected.com/how-to-be-free/
Thank you for stopping by. Maree
I have definitely struggled with this and your post is so encouraging and helpful!
Sarah – Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad you found this post helpful. Maree
Marie,
What an excellent post on breaking free from guilt. I am great at doing unjustified guilt. I am much better at recognizing it, but it still remains a struggle. I have OCD and depression and I feel guilty for how my mental illness affected my two (now adult) children. Sadly, one of them is very resentful that I was quite ill while she was at home and now I’m doing much, much better. I feel guilty when I’m a burden on my husband who is awesome. It’s true that when a caregiver validates your feelings, no matter how irrational they may be, it takes the anxiety down at least ten notches. Your eight steps to help someone with anxiety are right on target. Part of learning to manage your anxiety is learning how to manage and cope yourself instead of always depending upon a caregiver. When you begin to learn coping skills that work, you develop confidence in yourself and God and are less reliant upon others. So don’t feel guilty if you have gone through steps 1-8 and then need to draw back and be good to yourself. You are really, by being good to you, doing your kids a favor.
Great post!
Blessings and prayers as you tackle a momentous job,
Bev xx
Bev – Thank you for adding your thoughts. “It’s true that when a caregiver validates your feelings, no matter how irrational they may be, it takes the anxiety down at least ten notches.” Do you have any tips for a caregiver in helping a loved one learn to manage and cope on their own? It is hard to step back.
Thank you for the encouragement to be good to me. I am so glad you stopped by to read and comment. I am praying for your daughter to gain an understanding and let go of her resentment. Blessings,
Maree