How many of you have done something for someone else when you intuitively knew it was not in your best interest? However, you did it anyway because you felt enormous guilt. Perhaps looking at this topic with new eyes might be helpful. After all, this emotion can appear in many forms, and how much it influences your decisions might surprise you.
Guilt Is a Powerful God-Given Emotion
Guilt is a powerful and normal God-given emotion, and it is not all bad. Used appropriately, it can keep us from harm. It usually starts with that gnawing sensation deep down in the gut of your stomach. It typically signals we have gone against our moral code or value system. Our thoughts point to the idea that we have done something wrong or failed to do something we should have done.
Of course, each person’s moral code and value system will be distinct. So what makes me feel guilty may not even phase you and likewise. Also, contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be religious to experience this.
Yet, as Christians, our goal is to follow Jesus’s principles, but we can certainly mess up in attempting to do this. In the Bible, we are continuously encouraged to put others before ourselves. However, suppose we have a bent toward unjustified guilt. In that case, we can quickly become exasperated and take God’s word to an extreme place where He never intended us to go.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4 ESV)We may think our actions are Christ-like when, instead, we respond out of enormous guilt. #guilt #unjustifiedguilt Click To Tweet
After all, Jesus rested and didn’t heal everyone all the time. His responses were always out of love, not guilt.
Are you putting others first out of love or guilt?
When you love someone who is ill, guilt usually rears its head along the journey. However, it may masquerade itself as a different emotion, like anger. Regardless, when we do things for others based solely on a guilty feeling, we may harm ourselves and others.
Digging a little under the surface becomes tricky and not straightforward. There are two types of guilt, healthy and unhealthy, and I like to call the second one – unjustified guilt. We must tease the two apart often because they can be so intertwined.
What is Healthy Guilt?
Healthy guilt can be an emotion we feel when we have done something wrong and prompt us to act. It does not have to be an intentional act, but it could be. It is a valuable signal because it can create in us the desire to make things right. We might repair something we have done wrong, stop behavior that goes against our moral code, apologize, think about the needs of others, or inspire ourselves to be honest. Plus, it promotes self-respect.
I was hurrying along in the grocery store, my least favorite place, throwing one thing in after another, hardly looking up. Then, out of nowhere, this cart was coming straight for me. It was a near collision, but a good one. It was my good friend Julie. We made small talk, and then she asked about my friend, Marcia, who had recently lost her husband. Immediately, my face flushed, and I was speechless. I felt this enormous guilt because I had no idea how Marcia was doing. Somehow, I had failed to check in due to my being out of town and the busyness of life. However, this emotion prompted me to call on my way home and connect.
Of course, healthy guilt can be more complex and involve sin or significant harm to others. It may not be as simple as making a call or apologizing. Seeking help from a pastor, counselor, or good friend who can help you take appropriate steps to restore what you have lost or make amends is always a great idea. After all, God gave us this emotion for a purpose.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (I John 1:9 ESV)
Unhealthy or Unjustified Guilt
What about the times when we didn’t do anything wrong? Yet, we feel those pangs of guilt and immerse ourselves in it or act on it in a way that is not helpful. Unjustified guilt will benefit no one and can harm us and those we love.
Many times, our journey will include both healthy and unhealthy guilt. It is complicated; we must tease them apart and find the difference. #guilt Click To TweetIn caring for adult children with mental illness, guilt has nearly destroyed me at different points on the journey. I have often sought extra help from someone wiser and with a perspective one step away. At first, with a diagnosis of this magnitude, the emotions and thoughts were overwhelming. Thoughts flooded my mind. “I must have done something wrong to cause this illness.” “I am a bad mother.” You can read a few words on Did God Choose the Wrong Mom? by clicking here.
The feelings were consuming and holding me back from being who I needed to be in the moment. A wise doctor told me, “The illness isn’t your fault,” but she couldn’t convince me in the early stages. But what snapped me out of it was when she took my hand in hers, looked straight into my tear-filled eyes, and said, “You don’t have the luxury of time to sit in this guilt; you must let it go so you can help your child.”
It didn’t end there; it is a continual battle to tease apart the healthy guilt from the unjustified. When someone close to you has many needs, guilt tends to be a constant companion, especially when it is your child. After all, Mommas want to try and wipe away the pain even when they can’t. And it feels so wrong to find joy when someone you love is hurting. Here, you can read – When Joy Feels Wrong in the Midst of the Unexpected. But when we act on unjustified guilt, it doesn’t help anyone.
Do you ever struggle with unjustified guilt? #guilt #unjustifiedguilt Click To TweetTease It Apart
Imagine someone you love came home from the hospital today, feeling out of sorts and needing extra care. You had something important planned that night. They look up at you with big, droopy eyes and ask, “Aren’t you going to sit with me this evening?” Immediately, you are hit with pangs of guilt.
Only you can decide if it is healthy or unjustified. Choosing it is justified, so you stay home and forego your plans. Under these circumstances, it is reasonable, kind, and loving.
However, this scenario of meeting their needs over yours plays out repeatedly over time. The enormous guilt seems to win every time, and you forgo what is essential to you. Because you refuse to meet your needs, resentment is bound to come next.
However, we must remember feelings and emotions are real, but they are not facts.
We must tease apart the good from the bad. You matter, too! A good Momma will refuel with God to offer the best to her hurting child. She must allow God’s voice to help her decipher when to act on guilt and when to let it go.
Who Might Be Prone to Unjustified Guilt
We are all human, so we are susceptible to this kind of guilt now and then. However, some of us may be more prone to it, and it is good to be aware of it. The following individuals are more apt to fall into the trap of acting on unjustified guilt.
- Dependable people
- Someone highly alert to the needs of others
- The responsible person
- A person who thinks they are responsible for the happiness of others
- People pleasers
Do you see yourself in any of the categories above?
Of course, many of those listed qualities are admirable, and no one will want you to stop being that person. Nevertheless, you need to be on the lookout to ensure your response to guilt is beneficial for both you and the other person.
The truth is that when we act on unjustified guilt as if it is justified, it will cause problems for us and those we love. #guilt #unjustifiedguilt Click To TweetHow Is Acting on Unjustified Guilt Harmful to Us?
- It puts us at risk for illness.
- We maintain a skewed perspective.
- We fail to exercise good self-care.
- Wise decisions are difficult to make.
- Resentment builds & unhealthy relationships develop.
- We are at risk of burnout.
How Can Acting on Unjustified Guilt Be Harmful to Others?
- It keeps the person a victim.
- We give a message that the person is not capable.
- It creates more guilt in them.
- We don’t encourage steps towards independence.
- We are not showing a good example.
If you are prone to acting on unjustified guilt, you have probably spent a lifetime doing this. Quitting will not be easy, but it will be worth it for everyone. It may mean stepping back from immediately responding to the needs of others, or perhaps it may mean taking better care of yourself.
I am not suggesting that we all quit helping those we love, but I suggest you listen to that emotion of guilt and do a little digging to determine whether your guilt is justified.
Do you struggle with unjustified guilt? Are you saying “yes” to people when your answer needs to be “no”? #guilt #unjustifiedguilt Click To TweetPlease join us here to discover – “How to Focus on Breaking Free From Guilt.”
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness Community
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you. Click the graphic to discover what we have to offer.
Click here to discover four unique ways for caregivers to participate.
This is such a powerful post Maree! I think we all struggle with this at times especially as women of God & prime caregivers to our families.
I like your following comment;
“…I am suggesting you listen to that emotion of guilt and do a little digging. Figure out if your guilt is justified or not.”
Bless you,
Jennifer
I agree, and some of us are a little more prone to it than others. I am a work in progress but making many strides. It is so important to know the difference between our guilt. Maree
Maree Dee, I so appreciate this post. I have been caught up in unjustified guilt, sometimes laid on me by one of our sons. I love the questions you ask and the emphasis you place on determining when guilt is justified or unjustified. I’m spending time pondering your words.
Jeanne, I am so glad you are pondering the guilt. It makes it extra hard and complicated when others heap it on us. I usually do a good job of feeling guilty all on my own. However, I am getting better about not acting on it when it is unjustified. It takes practice. Maree
Hi Maree, I think you described guilt in all its forms. I would have to say that I am the kind of person that sees the needs of others first. The guilt comes from not being able to help people in a way that makes a real difference. Handouts don’t really help the homeless, they’re still homeless. I also feel guilty that I can’t afford to keep God’s commands, tithes, offerings, and helping others. I know that God put me in this miserable life for some stupid reason, but that doesn’t elevate the guilty feelings. I say stupid reason as I don’t agree that suffering is the only way to be brought closer to God/Jesus. If God displayed more things like kindness, compassion, mercy, unconditional love. These would, I believe, draw more people to God than suffering ever could. An answered prayer shows caring, while unanswered prayers leave doubt. Doubt causes disillusionment towards God. Caring causes belief in God. Which is more harmful? I would say that I also feel guilty because I don’t know how to embrace suffering as something good, like it says in the Bible. As far as trying to figure out if it is justified or not, I don’t know how to. I keep hearing that it’s as simple as changing how you think. I don’t know how. My brain works the way it does, I don’t know how to think differently. This whole self help concept is not in my make up. Another thing I feel guilty for, my lack of the ability to interpret things in a different manner. I’ve always been the type that has to be shown how to do something. You can’t be shown how to think differently only told, that doesn’t work for me. I was the kid that would touch a hot burner, no matter what people told me. Introspection is not part of how God made me. So I would say that guilt is a major part of my life. Thanks Maree for your kind words to people. May God Bless You, in Jesus name, Amen
Kenneth,
I completely believe we can pull closer to God in many ways, not solely by suffering. You are not alone in feeling guilty of not doing enough to help people. I often feel this, too, but I know it is not from God.
It is hard to change the way we think; however, I know it is possible. I have done it. A good therapist many times help in this area. I am pondering the part about needing to be shown not taught.
Blessings,
Maree
Thank you, Maree for this excellent article. You skillfully described guilt in all of its forms with good examples of what it looks like in our lives. I always knew many of my actions were motivated by guilt, but this article helped me get clarity on just how pervasive it is in my life.
Donna, Thank you for encouraging words. It is hard to get a handle on our guilt sometimes. I know it is for me. Although I assume, my motivation is love, many times, my response is out unjustified guilt, and my actions hurt more than they help. Stepping back to check the true motivation can be the most loving things we do for another. Blessings, Maree
This is so insightful and helpful, Maree. Thank you! I’m a work-in-progress in this area. I feel guilty for so much that is unjustified. When I was growing up, my mom dealt with a lot of depression. When she’d have to go to the hospital again or she kept crying, I always felt guilty that I couldn’t make her happier. I still struggle today with feeling guilty when I can’t make someone happier, even though I’ve learned why I shouldn’t feel guilty. Love and blessings to you!
Trudy, I am right there with you. It is hard when we see those around us suffering. I can see why you wanted to make your Mom happier, and yet it wasn’t your responsibility. As a child, that had to have been challenging to see your momma depressed. Thank you for sharing your perspective. Blessings to you, Maree
This is a great post! I think it’s a really important distinction between justified guilt and unjustified guilt and it’s easy especially for Christians to fall into feeling guilty when we really have no reason. I’ve definitely done this more in the past but I think I’m getting better at learning the difference!
Lesley,
I agree it is so easy for Christians to fall into feeling guilty or as if they have to help everyone. So good to hear you are getting better at it. Progress is what it is all about. Maree
Maree,
What an excellent post. I “do guilt” really, really well. I fall into all those categories and it makes life hard many times. I will put my needs last after meeting everyone else’s needs. I am quick to take the blame for things that are not even close to being my fault. I think as mothers we tend to feel a lot of guilt for the successes and failures of our kids – forgetting that they have free will to exercise their own judgment (even if they are mentally ill). I needed this today! Thank you.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev, You are not alone. I tend to put my needs last too, sometimes out of guilt and many times out of my desire to people-please. I have made great progress, but I have a ways to go. What you said is so true, “forgetting that they have free will to exercise their own judgment (even if they are mentally ill).” Thank you for the tidbit today. Maree
I really appreciate your wisdom on this topic, especially on how guilt can impact our relationships. As Theresa mentioned in the comments, it’s important not only for caregivers to be aware of this, but also for those receiving help too, to make sure we’re not using false guilt to motivate others.
Cassie, I love what you had to say. Thank you for adding to the conversation. Guilt seems to fly every which way, doesn’t it? Maree
I found this so enlightening and helpful, Maree. Thank you.
Ahh. Thank you, Lauren. It is one many of us struggle with. I certainly do.
You have addressed such a major struggle we all face, and you have done it well. Your honest story makes us all know how important it is to really “see” others. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. What a blessing you are. Maree
I saw your link on the instaencouragements link-up. This is such a great reminder for us to dig into our guilt. Love is truly the most powerful motivator. Thank you for sharing your insight!
Marielle, I am so glad you stopped by. I agree love is the most powerful motivator. Maree
I appreciate your wisdom. I have an adult daughter who has ADD and Chronic anxiety. She is a single parent of two. I allow unjustified guilt to pull my reigns far too often. Many times minimizing my self-care needs for hers. I never considered how my always coming to her rescue could harm her by making her feel incapable. What I don’t want is for to be come dependent on me. It is a fine line.
Calvonia – Yes, it is a fine line. We want to help, but it is always best, especially when we do it from a place of guilt. I have also found when we don’t take good care of ourselves, it adds to the guilt they already feel. I am so glad you stopped by. Maree
So good Maree. I was raised with guilt as a motivator. It is easy to motivate others with guilt, but so unhealthy for both people. I have for years been trying yo not be do motivated by guilt. Because when I say yes because of guilt it helps neither of us. Jesus was motivated by love. Not guilt.. Love doesn’t leave you feeling resentful or angry or used.
Theresa, Amen! Yes, Jesus was motivated by love. I, too, want to say “yes” out of love, not guilt. I hadn’t thought too much about whether I motivate others with guilt, but I am going to take a closer look. Thank you for adding your wisdom to the conversation.
Interesting post to reflect on – thank you
Sharon, Thank you for stopping by. I hope you have a great day!