When you do not know how to help, what do you do? We are a family impacted by mental illness. It came like a thief in the night, robbing us of all normalcy and turning our lives upside down. We had no idea what hit us. Many friends walked away out of fear or not knowing how to help. What kind of a friend would you be?
Would you be the rare few who stepped right into the pain alongside us? The one who continually gave grace, pointed us to God, and reminded us we were not alone? I believe God calls us to be people who care, but sometimes we don’t know how to help, and we run the other way. Have you ever run in the opposite direction of a friend’s struggle because you didn’t understand how to support them? I certainly have on more than one occasion.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month
Each of us can make a difference in the lives of those impacted by mental health challenges. You may be thinking, “Well, I don’t know anyone with a mental illness, so I will stop reading here.” I encourage you to keep reading. Statistics show 1 in 5 people are impacted by mental illness and 1 in 25 by severe mental illness. It is all around us. Plus, you can apply some of the same principles to support someone you don’t know how to help. Please click here to take you to our May Mental Health Awareness Page.
Helping doesn't always have to be big gestures. We can all do something! #mentalillness #mareedee #help #mentalhealthawarenessmonth Click To Tweet
When my child was first diagnosed with mental illness, we were in crisis mode. I was frantically calling all-around to find assistance only to be met with being put on hold or told, “We have nothing to offer.” Then a stranger on the other end of the phone ever so sweetly said, “I won’t leave you alone; I’m not hanging up until we determine the next step you should take.” She had no tangible resources to offer or obligation to assist, yet she refused to release the call. She insisted together; we would figure out the next person to call. What a comfort it was to no longer feel so alone.
Ten Way to Help a Family Impacted by Mental Illness
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- Be curious and educate yourself about mental illness—Find out what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Ask questions. Take a class.
- Point people to God—My friends often remind me to turn to God first. They ever so sweetly let me know the Lord can handle my doubts, fears, and insecurities and that God’s got this. They let me know He loves my children more than I could ever love them. My friends help me choose to trust God right initially, no matter what might come about.
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- Pray without ceasing—One friend lights a prayer candle, another sends me a prayer text, and one shows up to pray with me. Prayer is powerful.
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- Extend grace and acceptance—Please accept families right where they are. Let them know it is okay to show up even when they aren’t put together.
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- Show up and keep showing up—Any kind gesture tells us you care. You don’t have to fit the need perfectly.
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- Be a good listener while validating their pain—By talking it out, it helps the person figure out the next step.
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- Direct people towards help—When I first started down this road, a friend pointed me towards help through education and support. She knew her limitations. The number one comment I hear in our support group is, “Wow, I am in a room full of people that get it, and I don’t have to explain a thing.”
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- Be aware—Keep your eyes open and your awareness raised. Statistics show 1-5 people are affected by mental illness in our country. So, friends, mental illness is all around us. Don’t let people go through this alone.
- Be prepared to have a conversation about suicide—Learn the five steps in suicide prevention and recognize you do not have to be a professional to discuss suicide by reading, ”Suicide Prevention: Will You Be the One to Save a Life?”
- Recognize the entire family needs support—Mental health challenges do not solely impact the person with the illness.
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The previous list is based on my experience. It can look different for each family. For a printout of the Ten Ways to Help a Family Impacted by Mental Illness click the graphic.
What Hurts When You Have a Loved One with Mental Illness
Sometimes knowing where people are hurting or struggling can help you understand what to do. Don’t be afraid to ask. Of course, everyone’s list will look different, but here a few of my top ones.
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- Watching our loved ones suffer and not being able to fix it.
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- Not being able to fully understand what it is like to live with a mental illness. Education helps, but it is not the same as walking in another’s shoes.
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- When people stop asking about our loved ones as if they no longer exist.
- Watching everyone pull away and walk out of your loved one’s life.
- Learning to be flexible.
- Constant fear and worry about what could happen.
- Lack of willingness of others to attempt to understand our lives.
- When people offer unsolicited advice, the truth is until you have walked in our shoes, researched the disorder, or spent endless hours talking with professionals, it hurts to have you give unsolicited advice.
- When you judge our loved ones or us.
- Beings excluded or left out. We don’t have the freedom others might have, and we often have to change plans or can’t attend, so after a while, we are forgotten.
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Ten Thoughts I Wish Everyone Understood about Mental Illness
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- Mental illness doesn’t usually go away. Even though a family may no longer be in crisis, it doesn’t mean the struggle is gone. More times than not, this is a life-long illness.
- Mental health challenges impact the entire family. The financial, emotional, and physical toll adds significant stress to all.
- We are all doing the best we can. When we cannot show up for an important event, it is not because we didn’t want to.
- Family and friends give up and pull away, leaving those with mental illness to go it alone. Many times these people fall through the cracks, unable to ask for help.
- Asking for help is hard. It is a delicate balance of privacy, plus we fear we will be judged.
- Our families have victories and blessings too! The achievements may seem small compared to yours, so we rarely share them. However, the blessings are endless. Click here to read, ”Blessing in the Midst of my Childs Mental Illness.”
- Mental illness is real. Our loved ones didn’t choose this path, and it is not their fault. Offer grace and understanding.
- Those impacted by mental illness grieve perpetually the life they thought they would have, and so do their families.
- Stigma keeps us from sharing and seeking the help we desperately need. You can be a part of that change.
- We need you!
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Will You Make a Difference?
Do not underestimate your ability to make a difference. Make sure you are stopping long enough to notice those around you who are hurting and their families. Keep in mind every life matters to God and has value. Unfortunately, families sometimes give up on their loved ones due to their limitations or exhaustion. Many living with mental illness slip through the cracks and are nowhere to be found. You could be the one who helps. When you do not know how to help remember, even a smile can brighten a day. Will you join me in doing three simples steps during May to help families impacted by mental health challenges?
Pray – Be Aware – Point People to Help
Please share any tips on how people helped you when you were hurting or struggling?
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I Have Been Featured
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Embracing Faith & Mental Illness Community
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you. Click the graphic to discover what we have to offer.
Click here to discover four unique ways for caregivers to participate.
Upcoming Talk | Mental Health
How to Help Someone in a Mental Health Crisis
Are you a caregiver for someone with mental illness? Are you equipped to handle a mental health crisis? Our knowledge and skills can become a little rusty over time. We invite you to join Maree Dee and her guest, Mike, as they impart valuable tips, personal experiences, and a crucial tool for handling crises.
When you register, you will receive a link from Zoom and again on the day of the talk.
Meeting Time Saturday, April 27, 2024: 9 – 10:30 am (Pacific Time) | 10 – 11:30 am (Mountain Time) | 11 am – 12:30 pm (Central Time) | 12 – 1:30 pm (Eastern Time)
Amen! The unsolicited advice one is so important and so true!
Yes, I too have to stop myself with others in giving unsolicited advice. Maree
Thank you for this great post. I”m so glad that Mental Illness is so much more out in the conversatioin than years ago. It still hits hard when it hits maybe because it seems (or is) so much more out of our control than other illnesses. Your story is God’s story in and through you and I pray that LIving Stream will give you strength and comfort and direction.
Sue, I am with you on being glad mental illness is becoming more a part of conversations. Thank you for your prayers. May God bless you in your ministry. Maree
Maree, thank you for this post. I know life is a struggle when a family member has a mental or physical illness. In my case, 2 sons with muscular dystrophy. We also have a friend with mental illness and we’ve tried to be a help to their family even having him live with us for a short time. But it was just not something we could continue to handle and I know the family struggles. Times like this we do try to encourage and pray. Blessings to you! Thank for sharing your heart and linking up with us at the #LMMLinkup.
Gayl, Thank you for supporting the family even in the midst of your own challenges. You are my hero. I am not too familiar with muscular dystrophy. I am sending a prayer for your two sons and you. Thank you for sharing. If there is one thing I have learned is we all have challenges, and we all need support. Hope you had an excellent Mother’s Day. Blessings, Maree
Great post Maree!
I have worked 38+ years in mental health, I applaud you for your courage & resilience to continue to share your personal journey to encourage others & bring awareness in mental health.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Jennifer – Thank you for your words and encouragement to keep on talking about mental health. I appreciate you for working 38+ years in mental health. I know it isn’t an easy task. Maree
Your words here have been a balm to my soul. I just can’t express how much you have blessed me continually as you pour out of all you have learned. Thank you, Maree!
I am sharing your post as one of my favorites this week. Thank you for sharing it at the #GraceMoments Link Up. I am so grateful you are a part of the community!
Blessings and Happy Mother’s Day!
Dawn
Dawn, How exciting to be featured on your website. Thank you! I love your community over at #GraceMoments Link-Up. Thank you for hosting. I fell so blessed to know you. I am glad our paths have crossed. Happy Mother’s Day! Maree
Maree,
I am beyond thankful for all you do to promote awareness of Mental Health. As a family effected by it, the appreciation goes deep ♥
Blessings,
Lori
Lori, Thank you.! Your words mean the world to me. Blessings, Maree
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and your experience, Maree! I know it will be really helpful to others. A close friend of mine struggled with mental illness a few years ago and I was one of the few friends who stuck around. It was tough but I’m glad I did and it also gave me insight into just how hard it was for her and her family. Supporting people through mental illness is definitely something the church needs to improve at.
Lesley, Thank you for sticking by your friend. It breaks my heart when people turn the other way and yet I do understand. However, even the little things matter and we can all do something. Blessings, Maree
Great information. And these tips reach so far beyond mental health issues. Anyone who is hurting. Visiting you from the trekking thru link up. laurensparks.net
Yes, I agree the tips can be applied to an array of needs. I hoped people would see that and I am so glad you noticed.
The church is pretty good at showing up for gall bladder surgeries and broken legs — even cancer! But very often we fail those who are struggling with mental illness and all its complications within a family. Thank you for taking Mental Health Awareness Month very literally and giving us a good dose of awareness!
Michele, Yes, we many times do fail those with mental health challenges, but when we know better, we can do better. I too have failed to help when I was unaware but I know just showing up is a great start. Thank you for stopping by. It is always a treat to see your comments pop up. Maree
I am at the very beginning of what feels like a long dark road. I’m sure that you’ve written a lot of what I need to hear. At the moment, I’m just going to take one piece of advice, and that is to keep showing up. I’m not sure I even have the courage to talk about it yet. But thank you for this article. I will book mark it and come back to read it often, I’m sure. Thank you.
I am so sorry you are starting down this long dark road. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Please know you don’t have to do it alone. We would love to have you join our closed facebook group. You can even join anonymously if you are not ready to talk about it.
Please do not ever hesitate to send me a private email if you have any questions. No one should navigate alone. I am so grateful for those that helped pave the road.
Maree
These words and resources are needed and done well. I appreciate the time you put into this post. As someone who has shut down before as to how to help, your ideas hit home. I love how you say to show up and keep showing up. I think that is not only hard but so important. Turning our head the other way does no good and we have no idea how many people are affected by mental illness. Thank you so much for this post today.
Mary, What an encouraging comment you left. Thank you! I am so glad my ideas hit home. I know for me when it comes to helping people if I know better I do better. Hope you have a wonderful week. Blessings, Maree
My story is very similar as two of my precious boys struggle with mental illness. Thank you for your vulnerability and advocacy. Blessings, Tammy
Tammy, I am so sorry your boys struggle with mental illness too. Oh, how I wish we could find a cure. We would love to have you join our closed facebook group. https://www.facebook.com/groups/embracingfaithandmentalillness/ Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. It encourages me more than you will ever know. Maree
Thank you for sharing with so much grace from your personal journey, Maree. A really important post for people to read.
Kate, Thank you for your encouraging words. I hope you are having a great week. Maree
This is just what I needed to read today. I literally just asked a friend to pray for my patience with a family member who has mental illness. It’s easy to get tired of it and want to walk away, but I do NOT want to do that. Blessings to you on this journey in your family, Maree!
Lisa – From the bottom of my heart thank you for not walking away from your family member. Yes, patience is needed and support from others. It can be tiring at times for everyone. I have found finding others walking through similar situations has helped tremendously. Praying for you and your family member. Blessings, Maree
Wow, such a well-resourced post, Maree Dee! I’ve pinned to my anxiety board, since many in my life are impacted by that mental disorder. Thank you for all the time and research you poured into this!
Thank you for pinning my post. I hope it gives some insight to others who want to help but don’t know how. Blessings, Maree
Such good info. I am guilty of wanting to walk away when I didn’t feel someone in my life was getting any better…not because I didn’t love her but because I felt helpless to help her. I spent a lot of time offering solutions to “fix” her instead of just trying to listen and love her.
Shelly, I love that you explained why you wanted to walk away. So many times we think people walk away because they don’t care when it a matter of feeling helpless. I too tend to want to fix things when listening and loving is preferred. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your insightful comment. Blessings, Maree
Very helpful stuff here, Maree!
Over the weekend, we were dealing with a family member who is suffering with mental illness. I find your article to be timely, encouraging, and insightful.
Thank you!
I am so sorry your family member has a mental illness. I know it can be challenging for everyone. Praying for healing and resources which will help. Please do not ever hesitate to send me a private email if you have any questions. No one should navigate alone. Maree
What a great eye opener. I never want someone to feel alone in their situation!
Yes, I agree. Thank you for reading. Maree
Thank you so much for this grace-filled, practical post, Maree. I was blessed to “meet” you today via #Grace&Truth and had just saved this post on Facebook when I also found you at #Faith’n’Friends. Blessings to you!
Nice to meet you too. I am so glad you stopped by. Did you leave a post on Grace & Truth. If so I will have to make sure I read it. What is the title? Thank you for sharing my post. Maree
So, so good, friend. Thank you! It’s such an exhausting road, and support is such a gift. And, support comes in some many forms. I think many times folks don’t know what to do, but mostly, it’s just show up and be kind. Kindness makes a world of difference, and we’re all capable of showing grace. Lovely word today, thank you. And, thank you for your sweet comment on #ChasingCommunity today, it was such a gift to my spirit. Please keep in touch. I’ll be writing in the same space, so please drop by as you’re able, and I’ll do the same. (And, I’ll try to find your linkup and linkup with you in the future once my little break is over!) Have a beautiful May, friend. xoxo
Brenda,
Thank you for your encouraging words. I love it when you leave a comment.
You are so right the best help is to show up and be kind. Sometimes we make more of it than necessary. I know I struggle if I am not doing something tangible I feel useless. Yet, I know from personal experience just having someone there is huge.
Yes, I will stop by to read your posts. I am on your email list. Have a wonderful break from writing, and I look forward to having you link-up with Grace & Truth on Friday’s. If you are subscribed, you will get a reminder when it goes live. I do plan to keep in touch.
Blessings, Maree
Thanks so much for this as I’m in a situation with a friend who is terminal and feel oh so helpless. Appreciate the post!
Karen, I am so sorry your friend is ill. She is blessed to have you in her life. I am praying for you as you support her. Blessings, Maree
Not in our family but oh my we’ve watched others go through hard things. This helps to know what to offer and what not to do. Thank you.
I am so glad my post helps with how to offer help. I find across the board no matter what the struggle is the number one thing people need is just someone nearby. No one wants to feel alone. Blessings, Maree
Thank you for such an informative and helpful post on mental illness, Maree!
This is good stuff!
I’m actually linking for my friend Pam Blosser at Journey to Him today.
Found your post on #heartencouragement.
Hope you have a blessed day~
Melanie
Melanie, I am so glad you found my post and clicked over to leave a comment. Thank you! I hope you have a great weekend. Maree
Hi Maree,
Thank you for sharing this. To think there is still so much stigma wrapped in and around mental illness. It’s also hard to know how to be there for someone but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said just showing up and keep showing up. Often times I don’t want anyone to say anything when I am suffering a panic attack, but simply someone being there with 100% of their attention devoted to me is what truly calms me down. Someone showing up and caring is what truly makes me feel so much better. Maybe a back rub too. It’s so, so, so simple. I think we all worry that we need to recognize and know the signs at all times or know exactly what to say or do to calm that particular person down. I know that I worry I need to know all about their mental illness to know how to help as well but that’s not true at all! Overall someone being present and caring whether that’s bringing them a glass of water, giving a back rub, taking them routinely to their doctor appointments, or sitting there in the silence with them is what truly makes a difference. May God continue to bless you and the blog. xo
Rachel, I am so glad you stopped by and commented. I hope everyone reads it. Your words helped me in moving forward. It is so hard when you have never experienced what another is going through. Knowing just being present is help is enormous. As we all become more aware of mental illness and communication opens up it will help. Blessings, Maree
As I read your post I am crying, I know that I am not alone but find it hard to share what has transpired in the past six months for our family. But it has been with good friends keeping in touch by text to just let me know that they are there. Lots of prayers and even some telling me to pick up the phone when I didn’t want to talk.
Recently someone shared with me that they also had a loved one with Bi-Polar and her words to me have been the thing I needed to hear the most. You don’t know what it is like until you walk in our shoes. Not everyone understands and I am praying that with each day that I am bolder to share. I realize that it needs to be shared to release the stigma and bring awareness to others. I ask for prayer, please give me the boldness to talk about it so others may understand so that I will have the freedom to talk about my loved one rather than pretend that nothing has happened.
Janet,
You are so right we can’t know what it is like to walk in another’s shoes until we actually have a similar experience. Even then it won’t be exactly the same but the similarities will help to make a connection and not feel so alone.
I hope your tears were healing as you read this post. Please know I am here for you and if you ever want to share.
I know it helps me. I am praying for your boldness as you step out and begin to share and release the stigma.
Blessings, Maree
I’m sorry you are going through this but I agree God’s got it, He knows and sees what we cannot by unless by some revelation. I have had to walk away from some situations when there was nothing I could do and let God have it. It was not abandoning anyone, I just don’t see them as often. I have seen depression and grief at it’s worst,and have seen changes for the better in women willing to receive the counsel they needed. I have some one I know personally who says she is bi polar, I see her occasionally. Truthfully, dealing with this on a daily basis takes a toll on the best of us, even Dr. Michelle Bengston, suffered depression. Be sure to take care of yourself and not feel guilt, you matter to God too.
Yes, God’s Got it. You don’t have to feel sorry for me at all. I am a better person, kinder, more patient, more loving, stronger, and wiser from the journey I have been on. I wish my loved ones didn’t have to suffer. Thank you for the reminder to take good care of myself. I am so passionate about what I sometimes do I fail to make time for the rest I need or recognize the toll it takes. I appreciate your words. It makes my heart soar you haven’t abandoned your friends. Blessings, Maree
Hi Maree !
Hardly anyone was there for me when I suffered excruciating painful ECT (Elecric Shock treatment) when I suffered with Severe Major Depression and Anxiety….yes….there were friends and family….but they do not understand the intense mental torture that I endured. It went on for so very long. My ex husband new wife at least took me to have the treatments but she had to go back and care for her family. I understand that she could not stay with me. I was so very alone living in my big home and my only child at that time was in high school. He was busy with homework and activities. He knew what I had , but at such a young age, he could not fully comprehend the illnes.
So I clinged to my carpet floor and layed their so many times with my blanket. I was feeling so bad and no one was there after I had those horrible ECT treatments. I am surprised that I did not take my like.
So many people in my situation cannot bear the mental anguish and would have taken their lives.
Kalyani, I am so sorry hardly anyone was there for you in your suffering. It sounds awful and to be alone; it had to make it worse. You must be one strong woman, and I am so glad you did survive.
If it is okay, I would love to know how people could have helped or can help going forward. I think it would be great for our readers to know. How can we better understand what it is like? I know I try very hard to learn and understand about my loved one’s disorders but as hard as I try I can’t ever feel what it is like but I want to be the person who helps not makes it worse.
Please do not feel like you have to answer but I would love to know.
Blessings,
Maree
Maree, What a vitally important and informative post! Thank you for being so transparent and sharing these tips with us so that we can ” do better” moving forward. My grief counselor told me, “People would do better, if they knew better.”….meaning we often falter with how to respond to things that we don’t personally have knowledge of…we don’t know what we don’t know. I appreciate the honesty is your post, and I know it will be helpful for me. You asked us to share tips of how people have helped when we were hurt or struggling…I find it so helpful for people to just be present. They don’t have to say a lot of words or any words for that matter…just being present or making their presence known through a text has been encouraging and helpful. Thank you again for sharing such vital information.
Debbie,
Thank you for comment so full of encouragement and wisdom. I agree with your grief counselor we all do better when we know better.
You, my friend, have taught me much over this last year about being present. I know it comforts me to have people present. Yet it is hard to settle into. I remember a time when you showed up for me, and it felt so comforting to have your there even if I couldn’t spend time with you. Then this past year I have had the opportunity to be present for you. I have to admit it was uncomfortable “not doing” but just being present. I am so thankful you were able to verbalize how much that helped.
Communicating our needs, wants, and desires are key to being able to help others and receive the help we need. Love you, my friend, Maree