Are you hiding from your grief? Maybe you don’t even realize you have wounds that need some attention. After all, losses come in many forms, not just as a result of death.
Though our losses may not be the same, my hope is by exposing my pain, you will begin to understand your own and recognize others’ sufferings. When my loved one first showed signs of mental illness, I refused to grieve. Quite honestly, I had no idea I needed to mourn. Plus, it felt as if I was giving in—as if life couldn’t get better.
I am not an expert in the world of grief; I have failed many times at grieving healthily. However, we can learn from each other’s mistakes as well as their triumphs. I remember one particular occasion.
Attempting to Live Life in the Middle of Grief
We were bound and determined to take our annual summer vacation even though our loved one would be absent due to her recent diagnosis of mental illness. We loaded up, invited friends, and headed to the lake for a week on a houseboat.
The pain was excruciating, but I pushed it aside. I held back the teardrops with all of my might. I was determined to be strong, stoic, and push through it all.
Pretending is Exhausting
The exhaustion from trying to pretend was wearing me thin. Not only did I feel my pain, but the guilt was also eating me alive. What kind of mother takes a vacation when her child is fighting to survive?
This particular annual vacation had always been my favorite with this absent loved one. This girl of mine had been my right-hand gal when it came to scaling the rock walls; no one could replace her spot.
I didn’t want to go, but the experts insisted life needed to go on for the sake of everyone else in the family. We still had two other children who needed some normalcy in their lives.
The thought of not being available by phone at the drop of a dime scared me beyond words.
But here I was without her. A storm began brewing as it often does on the lake. I insisted we head out in the smaller boat for a little cell reception to make one last call to check how things were going. Reluctantly my husband agreed, and we slowly headed out despite the danger of being in the middle of the lake during a storm.
Of course, the phone kept dropping the call, and it was impossible to reach the staff. The rest is a blur, but I do know my anger escalated to unbelievable heights. I didn’t even recognize myself as my phone left my hand aimed at my husband, who kept insisting we needed to head back.
With a broken phone, a heart that was bleeding, ugly words spoken, and anger, which was off the charts, we headed back to pretend some more.
As the shock of the diagnosis wore off, I soon learned this way of life was here to stay. All of my pretending, avoiding, and denying wouldn’t make mental illness go away.
The losses were real!
I quickly learned through trial and error; if I was going to be available for the long haul, I must learn to embrace my grief. Click To TweetWhy We Are Hiding from Our Grief
We Don’t’ Know How to Grieve
For most of our lives, we are taught to suppress our feelings of sadness. Continuously, we try to make people feel better by stopping their emotions instead of validating their pain.
Kleenex is immediately handed to people to stop the flow of tears. We tell little children when their toys break, “Do not cry; you can get a new one.” The words roll right off, “It’s okay, don’t cry; everything will turn out fine.”
But it isn’t okay. When someone is in pain, they need it acknowledged, not wiped away. We need to do the same for ourselves.
We Can’t Articulate Our Losses
When a death occurs, the damage is quite apparent. However, what about all the other sorrows in life? Aren’t those worth grieving? Losses arise from numerous experiences: dreams not attained, divorce, expectations not realized, changed relationships, mental illness, TBI’s, Dementia, abandonment, and many more.
We Compare Our Pain
As caregivers, we are not the ones with the illness, so we don’t feel our pain is worth acknowledging. Plus, we are experiencing the agony of seeing their losses too.
Pain is pain, and it is all worthy of recognition.
We Think Strength is Shown by Showing No Emotion
Somehow, we buy into the notion we must be strong for everyone else as if we don’t hurt too. Hiding it seems like a strength.
Reality is Something We Try to Avoid
Somehow, we feel like acceptance means we are giving in or saying the loss is okay. We want things to be like they used to be or assume we can restore what we lost. It might work for a bit, but eventually, it will catch up to you when you least expect it. A loss is a loss, even if you can restore it.
Fear
The fears are endless. One worries if they allow themselves to go deep and feel, they may not pull out of it.
Fear of being misunderstood. We don’t want others to think we aren’t willing to endure the pain. We don’t want to worsen their pain by showing ours.
When others don’t acknowledge my pain or pull away for fear, another loss occurs.
We are Angry at God
Guess what – God can handle any of our emotions. He created us to have them. David was a great example of crying out to God in anger.
Chronic Sorrow Comes Fast
The losses keep coming, one right after the other. It is hard to grieve yesterday’s sorrow when a new one appeared today. With mental illness, the losses seem to be perpetual and cycle over and over again. You think you have mourned it, dealt with it, and then it pokes its ugly head back up. I am sure other losses are the same.
The World Doesn’t Acknowledge or Understand Our Loss
When society does not notice our pain, we sometimes hide from the suffering as if it is wrong, and secrecy becomes our norm. If it is not understood and validated, we feel we do not have the right to grieve. Click here to read “How to Grieve Losses the World Doesn’t See.“
We have set protocols and social norms when a death occurs but not for other losses. Rarely does someone show up on your doorstep with a casserole for mental illness. People quit asking, “How is your loved one?” as if they don’t exist.”
Being Positive Has Been a Way of Life
Maybe you are like me and almost always look at the glass half full. When tragedy hits, we notice the parts which are not so bad. Being positive is not a bad trait, but it will be a problem when we allow it to inhibit the grieving process.
We Don’t Understand Grieving is a Healthy Response to Loss.
The Hardest Part
The hardest part for me was learning to sit in my sadness and the sadness of others without trying to make it better. Watching someone I love struggle through life is a loss in itself.
Please know I would not give up my role, even with the pain. It is a blessing and honor God chose me as their momma. Click here to read— “Blessings in the Midst of My Childs Mental Illness.”
We will all experience loss in our lifetime; it is inevitable. However -Grieving is a choice Click To Tweet
Some of us will try hard to avoid the mourning process, especially when the losses are ones the world might not see or acknowledge. Remember, when we accept the loss, it doesn’t mean it is okay, nor does it make the pain go away; however, it makes enduring it much better and joy a possibility.
As I shared with you in a previous post, two emotions can be true simultaneously, and neither one will cancel the other out. We can embrace joy and pain at the same moment. Click here to read— “What Helps When You Are Grieving?”
My hope is together; we will choose to quit hiding from our grief. We will look for and encourage others to do the same. Remember, we never know what another person is going through. After all, I was a master at hiding from my grief, and I still do from time to time.
We need to encourage each other to stop hiding from our grief. Click To Tweet
Do you know why you are hiding from your grief?
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Maree, Your opening sentences are a great hook and captured me. Thank you for sharing your struggles openly and honestly.
Krista, Thank you for your encouraging comment. I am so glad I hooked you into reading my post. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Maree
Maree, you have hit on so many areas of grief here. I can identify with much of it. It actually took me awhile to grieve after my mother died. I also have two adult sons with muscular dystrophy. I never thought about grieving the illness as part of what I need to do, but as a caregiver there is much to grieve, but at the same time there is joy. Your post is filled with wisdom and this is so good:”Remember when we accept the loss it doesn’t mean it is ok, nor does it make the pain go away but it makes enduring it much better and joy a possibility.” Thanks so much for sharing at the #LMMLinkup! Blessings to you!
Gayl,
I am so glad you are a host on #LMMLinkup. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, as a caregiver we do have lots to grieve, and absolutely we have “JOY.” The grieving will not take that away. I wish my loved ones didn’t have to go through what they have or struggle now but I can say without a doubt I have grown into a much better person because of it. I like me better.
I pray for your heart as it grieves. I bet you never quit missing your Mom.
Blessings,
Maree
Thank you for your prayers, Maree. It is hard to see our loved ones struggle, but there are blessings along the way. We are blessed to have a young man living with us who is very helpful with my sons, and at the same time we can help him at this time in his life. Yes, I’ll always miss my mom and my dad, but I know I will see them again one day. Blessings! xo
Yes, it is such a comfort to know we will see our loved ones again. Hope you have a great weekend.
Hope your weekend is nice, too! I stopping back by to tell you that your post is my favorite of the week and will be featured on my blog! i think sometimes we try to minimize grief, but your post helps people see that grieving is necessary and that God will help us as we go through it.
Gayl, Thank you for choosing my post as your favorite. I feel so honored. Maree
Oh, Maree, you are right. We don’t know how to grieve! When we deal with a family member with mental illness (or any of the other things you mentioned), there is grieving. There is great loss. For me, it’s knowing I will never have the relationship with my mother that a mother and daughter are supposed to have. It hurts even more when I see women my age enjoying their mother’s company. Mental illness has stolen so much. I am so thankful that your child is in a place where she can get help. And that you love her so, so very much. Thanks for sharing on Grace and Truth.
Aimee, You are so right there are great losses with mental illness. It does rob everyone involved of so much. I bet it is hard to accept and grieve the relationship with your mom. She is lucky to have a daughter that loves her in spite of any illness. Thank you for adding to our discussion today. It helps others know we are not alone.
Maree Dee, I remember struggling so through the sudden loss of my brother and the tension within myself to try to remain strong and show no emotion. The expectation even within my marriage to get back to normal quickly was unrealistic. What a disservice we do to ourselves and to others by not allowing God to enter in fully and completely. Not only into our own loss but onto the hearts of those walking this loss with us. I’m sorry for your loss, and I so appreciate your truthful vulnerability.
Crystal, I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been so hard to lose your brother. I agree not only do we need to ourselves time to grieve we need to do the same for others. Blessings, Maree
Great post!
Traci
http://www.tracimichele.com
Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Maree
This was so good, Maree. And so true. I have used many of those reasons. And sometimes I have been in a situation that I have to push through (such as caring for a dying family member) and can only grieve when I get away and back at home. And by then, it hits like a ton of bricks because finally I can grieve. But I know this, you can only ignore, push through, or not grieve for so long before it comes tapping you on the shoulder waiting to be acknowledged. I also know that sometimes everyone in a family is grieving and all at different stages of grief and it is so hard. Learning the stages of grief also helped me.
Theresa, Thank you! You are so right it comes out somewhere. I too have found the stages to be helpful at times as long as I keep in mind that they don’t go in order, and sometimes you revisit a stage you thought you were finished with. It never ceases to amaze me how grieving is so unique. We can all have the same loss yet we all grieve so differently. Blessings- Maree
Wow! Grief comes in so many forms, and I never recognized how often I hide behind it. I like beat he part about how God can handle our emotions. We just have to let them out…or let Him have them.
This is a most timely post. Thank you for sharing it with us. It spoke so much to my heart.
Lureta, Thank you for your kind message. I am so glad my post spoke to you. Maree
Thank you for sharing such an intimate story. I agree what you said about how, from childhood, we are taught to put a band-aid on the wound and move on. “Everything will be OK.” While experiencing a miscarriage and subsequent infertility, the one-line phrases that people used when they didn’t know what to say stung more than the silence. It’s so important to acknowledge to others that it’s OK to feel pain, to experience the emotions of grief. Sin has entered this world and life is hard. I am so thankful though for the future hope I have through my Savior.
Allyson, Thank you for reminding us silence is okay. I have had to fight the urge to feel like I always have to say something. Just being with someone is huge. I am so sorry for your losses and words that cause further pain. Thank you for sharing with us today. Maree
Such important truth. Too often I think Christians refuse each other the gift of grieving properly. And so many things beyond the death of a loved one cause us grief in this life. Profound words here. Blessings!
Thank you, Liz, for stopping by and adding your wise words to our conversations. Blessings, Maree
This blessed me so so much and also convicted me. I lost my granddad about two weeks ago now. I have tried crying but every time I feel myself getting ready to break down, I suck it up and throw myself into work. Is not that I think grieving is bad. Its that, Ive never lost anyone this close before so I don’t know how to deal with it. I have a toddler at home. I can’t break down. So instead, I deal with the heart break myself….and thats exactly what it feels like…my heart broken into a thousand pieces with this dull throbbing that I can’t get rid of. One thing I did notice is, even though I am not crying, I have become immersed with work or working out. I stay up for hours on end keeping myself busy. I guess trying not to deal with it. Thank you for writing this post. I have to make the CHOICE to grieve, and know that its okay to let myself feel those emotions. This really did bless me.
Gladys,
I am so sorry about your grandad. I bet you miss him. How special that you were so close to him. It is complicated when you have little ones at home too.
I have found grieving to be so personal and we have to do it in our own time. I am so glad my post spoke to you. I am praying for you. Maree
Wow Maree! This is profound. I’m at a loss for words because what you taught is so powerful. This is something everyone needs to read now AND later when something arises that sparks the grieving process. What you teach is applicable to countless opportunities!! Sharing on Facebook my friend. Thank you for this💕
Grieving is so important and I tend to internalize it more. I have lost a huge chunk of my childhood, it was a miserable one. I wish I grieved it well and know that in all those heartaches God is near.
Praying for you as well ,Maree!!
Great post Maree! Grieving is very normal & natural….its western society & its construction of death & dying that has made it for us westerners…. A stoic experience.
Every individual is unique & their experience of grief will be uniquely theirs, the processing of grief can be very different for each person.
The stages are only a guideline to give awareness of what grief can entail…as you can experience each stage all at once in one moment of time! The key is “processing” our grief & that too is very individual. There can be, what is known as Complicated Grief which needs professional help to be able to eventually come to acceptance.
Personally, I haven’t necessarily “hidden” my grief but I have masked it at times, especially with certain company, this is related to whether these people are safe & trustworthy to reveal my vulnerability. Not all persons are…& it is wise to have discernment when we are grieving.
Jennifer
Jennifer, I agree not everyone is safe, wise, or trustworthy to share our vulnerability with, we do need to choose wisely. I found many to are not capable due to where they are in life or what they have been through. At first, I was disappointed but then quickly learned friends could fill many roles.
I am glad you mentioned the stages and that sometimes we do need professional help.
Thank you for taking time to add your thoughts. They are rich with wisdom.
Maree
Thank you Maree, for your lovely words.
God takes us through different journeys & imparts His wisdom…the challenge for us is to live in His wisdom…or not…
Blessings,
Jennifer
Jennifer, Yes, the challenge is in the choices. I want to choose his wisdom. Maree
I love the C.S. Lewis quote. My mother prayed for me and I was delivered of grief, I thought I was resisting fear. She said they were twins. No doubt, I was grieving loss but not necessarily death. I found out later it included so much more than I thought. You have to cry before the Lord and let it out. I had heard someone say not to let the devil see you cry, and for the longest I tried to be strong, have great faith and be healed. I was wrong. I had faith, I had to be weak and let Him be strong in me. I had a period of crying for almost six weeks, it gets ugly, but you meet the Lord in that secret place and get it off your soul. Grief and fear are debilitating and deadly, they are more than a five stage plan and feeling low after a funeral, and normal caution, this over engrossing mentality festers when not addressed and becomes spiritual warfare, with grief and fear being cruel and tormenting spirits that zap the life out of you, and that’s not just my writer’s imagination, it is in His Word. We need to look at it differently and seek His peace, and not grieve the Holy Spirit. May I recommend Hope Prevails by Dr. MIchelle Bengston. Praying for you and your daughter Marie, receive the peace of God and let Him guide you.
Thank you for the reminder about Michelle’s book. I need to order that one. I am so glad you were delivered from your grief. We all have losses, and they certainly are not all about death. Yes, grief and fear can do a number on us. Thank goodness, we have a loving good God. Thank you for bringing your wisdom to this post. Blessings, Maree
Your words are so true, Maree! I can relate to every, single one of them…not that our circumstances are the same, but the universal grief and my tendencies to hide from it. I have learned that it must be faced head on, dealt with fully, and that there is no other way possible to get over it than to walk through it. Even though I draw back and cringe, the only path to healing is to walk it out. And, another thing I have learned is that the stages of grief do not come in a neatly tied package with a bow. You don’t walk through those stages one time, in a set, chronological order, nor are those stages lived through exactly like everyone else, in a cookie cutter pattern. You may find that you have walked through every, single stage, only to turn around five years later and find yourself in one of the earliest stages all over again. Grief is so individual and personalized, and, in my opinion, you have to give yourself grace to experience it the way it happens for you, uniquely. I have felt such deep pain from someone who lost her father and spoke of how she floated through his death “as if she were on a cloud”…her words seemed so intent upon shaming me for still grieving for my own dear Daddy all these years after God took him. As you so beautifully articulated, our feelings are real, and they must be validated, regardless of who understands and who doesn’t. It really doesn’t matter. They exist, and they are authentic, and we need to give ourselves grace and time and space. After all, our dear Lord extends this to us, and we need to accept it and extend it to ourselves, too. Thank you so much for another comforting, profoundly true post…God is taking your deep griefs and turning them into a powerhouse of understanding and wisdom to others who are mourning.
Cheryl, Thank you for being so transparent in your comment. It was full of wisdom. Yes, we do need to extend grace to ourselves and others. I like everything neat, tidy, and systematic but boy life has taught grief sure doesn’t work that way. I too have found the stages of grief are all over the place. Blessings to you my friend, I love having you part of our community. Maree
I am read a book and one of the decrease for Lent is to not rush through grief. This is such sound wisdom, because grief catches you off guard and out of the blue the tears flow as they are with me this morning. Thank you for your vunerablity and honesty.
I agree many times we think we have to go through grief quickly and in some systematic way. The grief and the process are so unique to each person. Blessings, Maree